Thursday, September 15, 2016

another Halloween survey

Just ran into a never before publicly published Halloween survey from Oct. 22, 2007.

 Halloween Survey 

Ghosts or Goblins?:  Vaporous apparitions, all the way.

Zombies or Vampires?  The dark glasses and coolness really do it for me.  Tux is optional.

Witches or Hags?:  Gothy slutty witches.

Werewolves or Frankenstein?:  I must choose between 3 Franks-- Casanova Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenfurter, and Gene Wilder's Frankenstein (don't forget to pronounce that correctly!)  I think I'm going with Cas this year.

Black Cats or bats?:  Both.  I once saw a cat catch and eat a bat.

Trick or Treat?:  Depends on who or what knocks on my door... heh heh.

Candy Corn or Candy Apples?:  Apples candied in red hots and butter, smells wonderful.

Pumpkins or Squash?  Pumpkins, but I'm not adverse to spaghetti squash if anyone wants a duel.

Orange or Purple lights?  Orange is fine, all purple is super funky.  I'm not crazy about them mixed.

Toads or Spiders?:  ~ew~

Lanterns or Lit Pumpkins?:  Both!!!!  And luminaries, and spooky glow lights.

Skeletons or Mummies?:  I like them naked.


What were you last year for Halloween?:  Absorbed in a live Ghost Hunters episode.  Sorry, world at large, I wasn't in costume of any kind.

What are you going to be this year?:  I'm thinking about being Eddie Izzard.  My hair cut is amazingly close to his this year, what a fluke.  First time I've ever had hair this short.  Now, the question is-- executive transvestite (can a woman pull that off???) or mascara facial hair (very 3D) like Doug Rich might have shaved a couple of days ago?

Favorite costume you have ever worn?:  My brother's Planet of the Apes mask, on which my glasses fit perfectly, so I looked like the scientist ape.  Unfortunately, I had to give it back to him to trick or treat in.

How do you spend your Halloween?:  In the days of yore, I drove the getaway car while we got pillowcase loads of stash.  Later on I wound up working or watching the door while Scott did the chauffeur duties, and this year I will glue myself to the tv watching Ghost Hunters again.

Are you or are you not going trick or treating this year?:  Might be funny to go next door in my beard...

Did or do you pull Halloween pranks?:  Oh, yeah, one year was so awesome.  We had this huge bowl of candy that we mixed in old broken crayons and stupid McDonald's and Sonic toys and cheap mardi gras beads and misc. Barbie shoes and accessories and all kinds of stuff in, you know, little rubber snakes and plastic bugs, just junk from when the girls were little, and I heard we were the coolest house on the street that year.  Another year I handed out bitter baking chocolate, I'm so mean.  Last year we ran out of candy so I handed out hot chocolate packets.  I've been known to toss some pretty bizarre things into the sacks.  Really old Easter and Christmas candy...

Do you believe in ghosts?  I kind of wonder sometimes if they ask each other, "Do you believe in humans?"  It's strange that we assume 'ghost' automatically stands for 'deceased human'.  We just lump everything weird into 'ghost'.  But nearly every house I've lived in has been strangely beset by unusual and sometimes quite surprising things, and one I visited that scared me half to death turned out to have been a murder site, so yeah, I think there's cool weird stuff going on.

Are you superstitious?  Always go to the bathroom before you set out on an adventure.  It's bad luck to get nervously gassy or soil yourself.  You wind up alone in the back of an old pickup freezing half to death.  I've learned this from experienced wise people who pass stories down through the ages.

Do you like caramel popcorn?:  The very best caramel popcorn I ever ate in my life was homemade, but I've never tried caramelizing it myself.

Have you ever gone in the country to look for pumpkins?  You'd be surprised what comes up in your own back yard after a good pumpkin smashing.

Have you ever been on a hayride?  You ask this of a person who used to be involved in hauling hay...  I'd call that a big yes.  But you mean a Halloween hayride, right?  Always good to know a farmer with a tractor and a flatbed.  Around here the really famous hayrides are done by old drunk Amish guys who try to scare the kids by making the horses go up and down these crazy inclines at weird angles on dark and blustery creepy hillsides.  Here they are going 2 mph and it scares the snot out of the kids.  I'm sure the horses wish they'd roll off.

Do you decorate your home for Halloween?:  I used to try.  I fail miserably at Halloween decor.  When we were kids, my parents had this big black iron pot like you cook outside in, and they filled it with dry ice.  That was cool.  I never went out of my way to do much, although one year we did try to make a little grave in the yard.  But now I have a couple of nice sets of Halloween mugs to drink my hot chocolate from.  Very satisfying.

Have you ever been to a haunted house?:  Yeah, but I'm not crazy about them.  I've known people who would run and slam into walls so hard they'd hurt themselves, and one girl even broke her braces, but I'm more likely to punch people.  You really don't want to get in my face and make me scream.  I have reflexes.

Have you ever been to a graveyard on Halloween?  I have no idea.  I remember partying in a graveyard and sticking my cigarette into a kid's eye when he tried to pull me down for a tiny teen gang rape *rolling my eyes*, but I can't remember if it was anywhere near Halloween.  I wobbled into the house and flopped onto my bed.  That's all I remember.

Have you ever attended a Halloween party?:  I think the coolest Halloween party we ever had was at our own house when we were kids, surprisingly.  We rarely got birthday parties, but I remember a couple of Halloween parties my mom threw that were the bomb.

Do you watch scary movies on Halloween?  I'd rather watch Halloween cartoons, like Bugs Bunny hanging out in the old castle singing Abra Cadabra.

Have you ever had your candy stolen from you?:  Scott is a sneaky guy.  I once got ONE bite sized snicker out of an entire bag.  Couple of days later, it was just gone.  And he stole all my vanilla tootsie rolls out of my tootsie roll bag last week.

Did you ever steal any ones candy?  Pilfered.  I pilfered tootsie rolls the whole time the kids were growing up.

Has anyone ever gotten hurt due to your prank?:  I don't think so, but since I spread my pranks out year round, and since I get away so I'll never get caught, it's hard to tell.  I heard a mild car wreck was involved once, but that may or may not have been my fault, and I was miles away by that time.

Have you ever dressed as a witch/warlock?:  No, 'fraid not.  Some day I'd like to dress up as a gypsy fortune teller, though, and be devastatingly beautiful, sexy, and mysterious.

Are your parents into Halloween?:  Mom used to be, Dad was usually against it.  He takes devil stuff pretty seriously.

Do you know someone who was born on Halloween?  My parent-in-laws' wedding anniversary is on Halloween.  They don't do anything special, in anticipation of your next question.


Passed out candy?:  I pretty much have to, since I'm not licensed to resell.

Bobbed for apples?:  I was really good at that once I figured it out.

Gone to a pumpkin patch?:  We accidentally raised a tiny little wild pumpkin patch and got a real pumpkin out of it one year.

Hosted a Halloween Party?  I'm not as insane as I look.

Attended a Halloween Party?:  Always good to leave cleanup with another host.

Made pumpkin pie?:  I love hot pumpkin pie fresh out of the oven.  I bet it would be good with ice cream.

Raked leaves?:  Briefly.  I saw big spiders and no other point to it.

Watched the Travel Channel with the Halloween specials?:  That was about as bad as watching home movies.  Maybe I caught a bad production, but I've never been back.


Amityville Horror?:  I'm a virgin.

Halloween?:  I'm innocent.

Last House On The Left?  Never even heard of that one.

House Of Wax?:  Sorry.

Tales From The Crypt?   A couple.

The Exorcist?:  I tried.  I was at a friend's house.  I fell asleep and missed most of it.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre?:  No, but I knew a guy who took the front door of his house down and replaced it with a fake plywood door, and when a bunch of kids knocked, he fired up his chainsaw and sawed through the door.  They ALL ran screaming and never came back.

Pumpkinhead?:  Nope.  I seem to have missed some classics, eh?

The Sixth Sense?:  Ok, I've seen that one.  Is that considered a Halloween movie?

All or any of the Nightmare On Elm Street?:  Once again, I'm pure as the driven snow.

Practical Magic?  Are you making these up?  I've never even heard of it.

Any or all of The Simpsons Halloween episodes?:  Now THOSE I never miss.

The Munsters?:  I had a crush on Eddie Munster when I was a kid.  I know, I go from Eddie to Eddie.  I've done this my whole life.  Except for Billy Mumy.  The only Billy in my life.

The Addams Family?:  I would love to have a pet named Gomez.  By the way, I stuck that extra D in there for ya because it wasn't spelled right.  My very fave scene out of all the movies is when Debbie bursts into their house, cocks the rifle, and yells "In-laws!!!!" with a big smile on her face.

Elvira?:  I own that one.  Love the punked out poodle.

The Lost Boys?:  Keifer made a pretty good vampire, didn't he?

Contact?:  Um, no....  How about Hypercube?  You may as well mention a really outrageously weird movie like that one.

Hocus Pocus?:  Oddly, I actually like that movie.

Edward Scissorhands?:  I'm sorry, that's about as unHalloweeny as it gets, and I weep at the ending, and why in the WORLD didn't you ask about Sleepy Hollow?????????  Who is grasping at straws here?  I love Sleepy Hollow, that one was amazing.

Friday the 13th?:  *yawn*  No.

Childs Play?:  Virgin deluxe, I just don't have the patience for cheesy thrillers.

The Shining?:  Not even Jack himself can get me to sit down for that one.  How about Secret Window?  Or From Hell?  Or The Ninth Gate?  Man, these questions are seriously lacking some outstanding Johnny Depp thrillers.

Salems Lot?:  No, sorry.

Fright Night?:  No.  Ok, we could have more to choose from, like Teen Wolf, or Blade, or Van Helsing, Corpse Bride, or Nightmare Before Christmas, so why in the world is this survey suddenly stopping here?  Gee whiz, not even a mention of Ghostbusters.  And by the way, my very fave author in the entire world having anything to do with witches and death and vampires and zombies and all the stuff is Terry Pratchett.
Every Halloween, wherever I have my blog (it moves around), I post this link to the funniest movie review you ever read in your LIFE.
Grand Wizard
Go read it RIGHT NOW.

After that go watch this movie and then join me in costume.  I've got dibs on The Spleen.

Mystery Men (1999) Original Theatrical Trailer