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Wednesday, May 26, 2021

From a private blog on Nov. 24, 2007.

This was created before I found out I had a very severe case of cytomegalovirus that took me down for month, and doing silly surveys is pretty much how I got through it. After reading this, you'll see why the idea of covid doesn't shake me.

Looking back over this survey, I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic and think it's funny or what.  It's weird looking back on something and remember being in the moment, and then seeing it from outside the moment.   I just know my pain level went to 50 (Princess Bride) several times this weekend.
1. What's one thing thats heavily weighing on your mind?
Day 4 on antibiotic:  We've deteriorated to exploding into unstoppable coughing spasms within a minute or two of dozing off throughout the day and night, even sitting up.  Robitussin for cough and cold suspiciously making it worse.  Resultant fibro in neck up to skull and slamming headaches when I cough no longer responding to skelaxin.  Full blown occipital neuralgia on top of it will soon be turning me into a slavering werewolf, despite the codeine.  I'll try not to eat Scott when I morph over.  If I suck on one more cough drop I'll have to kill Willy Wonka.  Throat spray only helps when I miss and hit my eyeballs or nose or whatever.  Glands still extremely tender, throat still sore.  Scott wants me to go back to the doctor.  Thus concludes my 9th day since onset.  I'm ready for morphine.  If this were 100 years ago, I'm pretty sure it would kill me, if I didn't run screaming into the woods first and plunge off a little cliff onto some rocks.  I'm ready to drink the entire bottle of vanilla and then move on through the almond, mint, and orange flavorings.  Don't laugh.  A couple of those bottles are 80 and 90 proof.

2. What's one thing you've learned from a good friendship gone bad?
When you run into someone in a mall or library 5 years later, and you find out the email or phone number they swapped you isn't any good, you wonder why in the world did they act so happy to see you again in the first place.

3. What's one thing you've learned lately from love?
True and abiding love is not expecting your husband to sit up and baby you through # 1.  True love is telling him not to feel guilty and to go on to bed.  True love is realizing that two crabby people during a health care mess is not a fun ride, and that when the tables are turned, I'll want to go to bed, too.  Oh, MAN, I'll want to go to bed.  I've got several days of sleep to catch up on as he gets this coming on.  He says his chest is hurting now...  :edit later:  He says now it was just heartburn.  Go figure.
I just looked this up.


Should I Call My Doctor?

In most cases, you don't need to see your doctor when you have a cold or the flu. However, if you have any of the symptoms below, seek medical advice.

  • A cold that lasts for more than 10 days
  • Earache or drainage from your ear
  • Severe pain in your face or forehead
  • Temperature above 102° F
  • Shortness of breath
  • Hoarseness, sore throat or a cough that won't go away
I'd call that a big yes...  I have the first 3 and the last one.  Don't know what else a doctor can DO for me, except maybe tranquilize me.

4. Is there anyone special in your life in general at the moment?
Besides kleenex?  My ears are starting up a jihad, so we need to get past this mushy stuff.

5. What's a happy time you've had in the past week or two?
Let's see...  Ah, yes, the sweet nostalgia of rediscovering Vicks.  It's worthless, actually.

6. Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
Do you mean do it again now at this age?  I'm not really getting any bites here.  My brain is in the kitchen humming to itself.  Last time I saw it, it was nestled in the paper pile by the blender.

7. Who do you like to spend most of your nights with?
I spend ~all~ of my nights with Scott.  He keeps showing back up after work, and I keep making stuff for him to eat.

8. Are you an emotional person?
It's hard to tell.  I went into total aspie freak out last night, which I haven't done in quite awhile, after a super nasty coughing fit in the middle of a dead sleep, and I was on the floor rocking and crying and flapping my hands and not making a lot of sense with Scott while I dealt with unbelievable pain.  To other people, THAT looks like I'm terribly upset.  To me, it's not actually feeling an emotion so much as being so overwhelmed that I lose control of my logic center and my brain scrambles for neurological feedback that it can hook into and get around the other stimulations.  About ten minutes and I was ok.  It was kind of odd because that was the first time Scott had actually seen me blow completely out after knowing me for 17 years.  I held so much in while I was raising the kids because I didn't want to scare them or weird them out, because we didn't have a name for all that until quite lately, and I didn't know it was actually normal behavior for me.  So actually, this is the first time as an adult that I've been able to get feedback on my behavior, and amazingly, Scott was real open and calm about it and didn't try to interrupt the process or snap me out of it.  I asked him if he'd seen me do any of that before, because I usually don't notice when I do, and he said yes, in bits and snatches over the years when I'd get stressed, just not all at once before.  I told him when I was a kid, Mom would shake me and yell at me to stop because it scared her, and I never understood what I was supposed to stop, exactly, so I learned to just don't move at all around her.  I grew up being a really stiff person in school and church and everywhere because I was afraid to move and attract attention to myself, because my mom would freak out.  Scott said he noticed that I am like that, like I'm really tense.  And I was like yeah, if she'd just let me be weird and touch things and flap and rock and all that stuff, I'd easily be a happier person all my life, because that's just how I de-stress.  It didn't bother him one bit.  All these years I've been afraid to 'act out' in front of my own family, and he's fine with it.  He couldn't believe how much that affected my whole life, having to feel like I couldn't even fidget in public and holding myself so still any time even one person walked into a room.  I'm very different now since I found out I fit in a particular sort of normal.  Much more relaxed.  Funny how long it took to find out I'm really ok.  Anyway, it's hard for me to tell sometimes if I'm being emotional or not when others might think I look like I am.  I hold a lot of reactions back over simple things like misunderstandings and being surprised and stuff, and sometimes I go ahead and react and I seem angry and look angry, but I don't always feel angry or upset as much as just a little flustered.

9. Are you self conscious?
As per # 8, you would think I'm terribly self conscious, but I'm actually not very self aware at all.  I know this sounds incredible, but there have been times I've actually forgotten I still have my pajamas on and caught myself putting my shoes on to go somewhere in the car.  Even to church.

10. Do you think of others before yourself?
Constantly.  It's kind of automatic after spending so many years feeding and cleaning up after other people and taking care of them when they're sick.

11. What's something that can always make you feel better?
I can't tell ya how badly I would love to have even just a two hour nap tonight that is blissfully uninterrupted.

12. Who was the last person you had a crush on?
There was a video here that has been deleted, and I don't have a clue what it was.

13. Where do you see yourself this time next year?
Good morning.  I started this survey Thursday evening.  This is now Friday.  Day 5 has started off much better because I actually slept last night.  Well, that sentence looks dang optimistic, so don't get the idea I'm cured.  Let's just say at this point the whole werewolf thing is less likely now.  As for next year, I don't know whether to hold my breath or just give up and laugh.  I would so love to feel better than I have this year.

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
I can jump into anyone's whining and quell any complications that arise, but thankfully, I really don't do that very much.  Everything boils down to a few simple variables, and the reason they become complicated is because things get overlayed with stuff like guilt, pressure to conform or change, selfish whining or insecurities, making excuses for someone being abusive, stuff like that.  When you strip away the passive aggression and learned helplessness, the path becomes clear.  If you don't like the path, you just cover it back up and quit whining about it.  Yes, as you can imagine, no one comes to me for advice.  My children claw the walls to escape, and everyone else ran away screaming a long time ago.  It's a peaceful existence, rarely being dragged into soap operas.

15. Who do you feel the most comfortable around?
Scott tolerates me amazingly well without question and helps steer me when I go a little too aspie, and I've come to I trust his judgment completely, so I hope the rest of our marriage is something he never regrets.  I wouldn't trade him for any other guy on the planet.

16. Is there something that you're waiting for?
I'm trying to wait patiently to feel better.  I slipped up a little yesterday and got kinda crabby and whiny.  It's very challenging to act nice and sweet when you don't feel well.

17. One thing you're not looking forward to?
I've got a pile of dishes looking at me every time I walk through the kitchen.  Normally that doesn't bother me, but I feel so crappy that I can barely keep up with the house at all lately.  That really gets me down.  Scott has decided that we ARE putting up a tree this year, a little one on the kitchen table to put in the bay window, so we've gotta clean off the table today, too.  After 6 hours of sleep for the first night in a week or more, I'm hoping a nap is possible, and that I don't get crabby during Scott's Christmas tree enthusiasm.  Last year we all missed Christmas completely because Twinkles was in the hospital for 11 days, and we nearly lost her.  The holiday was very depressing.  I think this year Scott wants to feel the ol' fun come back, even though he's been saying all year that we're taking the year off, and even though he's griped through every single Christmas we've ever had in this house.  He's a funny guy.  I think he would love to be jolly and really enjoy it, but there are so many memories over the years that get in the way.  He has a love/hate conflict thing with the whole season.  Me, I'm just tired.  I've been too run down all year to feel enthusiastic.

18. How do you feel about change?
I resist all change that I can't personally control.  It's an aspie thing.  I've gotten better about it through the years, though.

19. What are you most looking forward to?
I think I'd really like to try going back to sleep after I finish my breakfast.  Scott is out shopping a little with Twinkles, the house is quiet, my coughing seems to have subsided a bit...

20. What are your plans for your next birthday?
I never make plans for my birthday, unless it's to feed people.

21. Do you even care about your birthday?
Not any more.  Cake is always good, though.  Good thing there are birthdays so we can have cake.

22. Do you think anyone in the world loves you?
I think everyone does, they just aren't always clued in to that.  I've noticed that people who are easily irritated by me are easily irritated by other things, as well, so they drag around their own stuff.  I don't take it personally.

26. Why do you drive the car you have right now?
White sorta looks storm trooperish, and I like it.  For me, white is the 'new black' ever since Star Wars came out.  And at the time it fit me pretty good. I've driven old junky cars all my life, that one was the closest I've ever come to nearly new and fairly nice.  In the nearly 10 years since then, it's getting a little junky itself, but it's still my baby Lamborghini.

27. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
He tries not to let me, but I've seen it, yeah.  It takes an awful lot to devastate him, but once it happens, he's a real lone wolf type.  I am one of the privileged few who has seen a couple of tears here and there.

28. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
Don't talk to me about vitamins as a kid.  While other kids took a Flintstone, I had handfuls of junk stuffed down my throat.  I'm sure I came pretty close to vitamin A toxicity one year during one of Mom's delusional driven spells to cure me of something imaginary and show the world ~she~ knew more than the doctors who shrugged me out the door.  When you know the difference between stearates and oxides in mineral molecular construction at the tender age of 12, among many other bits of health food store trivia, you're a little too immersed in the vitamin culture.  And I'm here to tell you, vitamins *do* *not* *stop* illnesses like diabetes or lupus.  Mom gambled and lost.  She went into a nursing home before she even hit 65 and is already so deficit she's not much more than a vegetable, and she's not even 70.  And my adult life has been pretty miserable with illness.  So if you're cramming vitamins down your kids' throats, lighten up.  One Flintstone a day is plenty.  And I don't mean to insult anyone, I'm just saying if it adds up to more than 40 pills a day, that's a tad excessive.

29. Did you get any compliments today?
Scott noticed I'm a tad perkier and gave me some nice hugs before he went shopping, and said he'd be back as soon as he could.  That, to me, is better than compliments.  His concern is the best feeling I get in the whole world.  And I bet he brings me back a surprise of some kind.  :edit later:  Yep, he bought a set of various little Christmas candles.  Unfortunately, my nose is so plugged, all I could smell was a strong glue smell all evening after I lit a little red one called "Christmas Eve".

30. Are you friends with your neighbors?
I normally show up for food, but this year was just too rough for that, between being so sick and their personal problems.

31. What were you just thinking about?
I really should go try laying down now while I have the chance.  See ya.

32. Name the places you have lived in?
Ok, that was nice.  I think I got a little over an hour of light dozing with no coughing.  Still feel incredibly tired and weak, and now I have a microwaved potato in front of me.  All the places I've lived, eh?  I'm just not in the mood to dredge up my whole life right now, sorry.  But I will say NW New Mexico and SW Missouri.  How's that?  And if you've been around, you know those are like night and day.  Both are in my heart and soul.

33. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
3 days ago.  Geez, I live outa town, I have to drive at least 20 minutes just to get to the closest Walmart and doctor.  3 days ago I drove about 120 miles round trip to see my mom.  I used to do that once or twice a month, then it got to every other month, then every 3 or 4 months, then twice a year, and now it looks like I'm just about to the annual point because my chronic fatigue has gotten so bad over the years.  Seems like every time I plan a trip out I either get sick or wiped out.  This time I made it come hell or high water because it's possibly the last Thanksgiving I'll see her.

34. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's/brother's friend?
I am SO glad I've never had a crush on a 'local'.  All my crushes are unreachable, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble.  Maybe it's the Asperger's, but I very rarely crush on people I can actually smell or touch.  I really dig Scott, but I'm otherwise terribly asexual, another byproduct of the Asperger's.  I just have no interest in sharing myself with other people like that.  If you've never heard of this, or wonder about yourself or a friend, here's a couple of places to start.  And don't assume asexuality and Asperger's always go hand in hand, because they don't.  The key word is 'spectrum', ~all~ our brains are on a spectrum of developmental and chemical types.

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I haven't looked in a mirror yet.  Last night I got the flashlight out and looked at my throat in the mirror.  I've had all kinds of sore throats, but this one was different.  I didn't get the usual tonsillitis or strep or all the other stuff, and it didn't even look very red or swollen until just lately, but man, it has hurt like heck all week.

36. When is the next time you will make out with somebody?
I'm having such a wave of weakness, I've gotta go lay back down.  I spent the last 3 days unable to really lay down and almost completely sleepless because I was drowning in phlegm, so I guess I'd better do what my body tells me right now.  It would be cruel of me to force it to stay up just to do this survey.  Later, taters.

37. What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"?
Hello again.  Not even sure why I'm here.  I can't get over how weak I am today.  I remember some years back, maybe around 20 years ago, both my parents got pneumonia or something, and, neither one a big doctor fan, they stuck it out at home.  It took 6 weeks for them to get as back to normal as they were going to get.  I cannot even imagine feeling this weak for 6 weeks.  Wait a sec.  I was this weak with the Bell's Palsy.  I was actually worse.  But this is different, the Bell's didn't involve my lungs at all, but it knocked my nervous system offline.  I discovered awhile ago one of the glands on the side of my neck is getting kinda hard.  We used to raise goats, and anyone familiar with goats knows that they get swollen glands all the time, and in goats, the glands literally rupture and drain, very gross.  Yes, it ruptures toward the outside, so there is a big lump of hard stuff under their skin high on there neck just behind the ear, about where my swollen gland is, and it eventually ruptures and drains and then heals up.  Goats seem to pick up every little virus out there and can get just as snotty and gross as any human, but I never saw any of that slow them down.  They didn't lay around lethargically malaised, like I'm feeling.  But then, I never saw a goat get a lung infection, either.  Anyway, I think I'm going to go back to the couch.  I was able to eat a little and putter a little trying to clean off some of the kitchen table for the tree later, but that lasted about 10 minutes in very slow motion, so I thought sitting here would help me rest.  I guess I was wrong.  It's 2:00 right now, maybe I can get another little nap in.  See ya.

38. What's your favorite planet?
Nunchuck.  Answer to last question.  It's after midnight now, so we're heading into Saturday morning.  Had reached a point where I actually thought the coughing was about done, but around 10:30 it all came back, and nothing is stopping it.  I could literally sleep with my forehead on my arms at this desk and cough in my sleep.  Anyway, favorite planet...  I think I answered this in another survey and forgot what I wrote.  I think it may have been a fiction planet from a book or tv show, so it's anyone's guess right now.  I think I coughed my brains out.

39. Who's the 2nd person on your missed calls list?
I don't think I've missed a call in days.  Everyone knew I lost my voice, so no one is calling.

41. What shirt are you wearing right now?
Wow, same shirt as the last time I was asked this in a survey.  Don't worry, it's been through the washer since then.

42. What do you "label" yourself as?
Right now, "puny".

43. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
I don't like wearing shoes in the house.  I need my freedom.  Besides, it's nearly one a.m.

44. Bright or dark room?
My monitor is trying to turn pink again.  Aside from that and a very small lamp, it's dark in here.

45. What do you think about the person who last took this survey?
I nabbed it off a bulletin from someone I really don't know, but the answers seem to be short and sorta boring.  Once in awhile I see a glimmer of thought, but not often.  I don't know how these people can put so many surveys up on bulletins and keep being so boring.  I'm not saying I'm a genius, but these things could be a lot more stimulating if someone really had a go at it.

46. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep in?
I'm on the couch again tonight.  I can't see putting Scott through all this torture.

47. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Working on this survey... a long and arduous task while one is sick.

48. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
People who answer questions like these aren't the sort of professionals who can keep client info to themselves, like a private eye or psychologist would.  It's strange to me that people are so ready to blurt out other people's words to them.  If I had gotten this survey off a friend or relative and had seen an answer right off the phone, I'd be less inclined to text them in the future, knowing they'd so freely share anything I privately say with a whole list of strangers.
It's weird when surveys end on unrounded numbers, but I guess it's better than trying to reach a number and the questions getting stupider and stupider trying to fill up space.

Christmas Surveys

From a private blog on Dec. 4, 2007. This is a two-fer.

Christmas survey

1. Get kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?

Hmm, dilemma...  Scott's nose runs out in the cold, and we don't have any mistletoe in the house.  Maybe we'll snuggle on the couch or something.   

2. Santa or Rudolph?

Wait, was this for the kiss question?  Because I'm really not the Santa type, and I don't need Rudy thinking he's funny and sticking his nose in my mouth to watch my cheeks glow, you know?

3. Stocking or presents?

Around here we call them 'socks'.  And socks hold more stuff, especially like candy and gift cards.  What if my present is a sweater or something?  Yeah, definitely sock.

4. Eggnog or hot cider?

Homemade, or from a carton or mix?  I'll take homemade, if you've got it.

5. Angel or star?

Angels like it homemade, too.  Put the star on the tree and offer homemade drinks to all the angels in the house.

6. Decorating the tree, or putting lights on the outside?

This year, nada.  I love it when we do the house, because our back deck looks like a canteena, and the front and side rails look like a gingerbread house.  The tree is fun when it looks like it's just dripping with all kinds of colorful goodies.  But this year, neither one.  We're taking a break.

7. Warm cozy fires or sleigh rides?:

Oddly, I've never had a sleigh ride.  But I have had a carriage ride.  I hate to say it, but the fleas ate me up, kinda killed the whole atmosphere of the ride.  I remember we had this cool fireplace when I was growing up.  I do miss that, but I don't miss the mess and the smoke.

8. Family time or friend time?

My family ARE my friends.  I've tried having friends outside family.  It gets too complicated.

9. Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart?

No presents at all.  I used to think it was fun, now I'm just terribly burned out.  There is so much worry and guilt and pressure over money being tight and people standing in return lines and being thought inconsiderate if the gift isn't right, it just really turns me off now.  I guess working in a high traffic department store didn't help.

10. Snow ball fight or snowman?

The coolest thing we ever did as kids was make tunnels through the snow.  I always wanted to make my own igloo.

11.Coal or present?


12. Open presents quick or slow?

Avoid opening them until everyone else is done and then it looks like I'm rich with a big pile of presents.  It's funny how the gift wrap makes people drool to see what's inside.  Everyone hates it when I sit there and don't open something.  I get a bigger kick out of watching everyone else.

13. Diamonds or rubies?

Are you insinuating I'll get a pile of one or the other if I but choose?  How generous.

14. Caroling or Christmas stories?

Watching Scrooged with a big bowl of popcorn.

15. Snowy days or ice days?

We had way too much ice last year.  I'll settle for a very light dusting of snow this year, but that's all.

16.Red or Green?

The Red Green show!!!

The Red Green Show


1. Best Christmas present received?

I've had plenty of really good ones, but the best present is getting to hang out with Scott.  He's pulled in so many directions like taffy, it's rare and precious to have him to myself for a little while, even just to yak while we're going somewhere in the car.

2. Whats the number one thing you want for christmas?

Peace and quiet.  No calamities or accidents.  No hard feelings or big messes.  Oh, and good food.  Can't forget that.

3. If you were going out with someone, what would you want them to get you?

I want Scott to get me some really good food from Harter House.

4. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?

I didn't even know what mistletoe really was until a few years ago.  Not sure I get that whole tradition.

5. Age you stopped believing in Santa Claus?

When I was in the first grade, some big boys in the lunch room told me he had died.  I can still remember the shock, the smell of my leather coin purse that held four pennies for my milk, and the smell of my peanut butter sandwich that I was unable to eat because I started crying so hard they had to call my mom.  I learned early on that the Christmas season is cruel and hard, and filled with the laughter of ugly mean children.

6. Do you send thank you notes?

Once in awhile, yes I do.  I'm kind of old fashioned.

7. Do you wake your parents up early to open presents?

I never had to.  The other kids were all over it.  And it never worked to try calling them early once I had my own kids, because they were still already up.  In fact, I think one Christmas they even called me up out of a sound sleep at the crack of dawn and asked why the kids weren't up yet opening presents.

"My 70 Confessions'' survey (55, actually, because 15 questions are missing)

 From a private blog on Dec. 10, 2007.

1. Who was the last person to call you baby?
I'm sure it was a mean kid in school...  For some reason, no one in their right mind has ever used 'baby' as a term of affection for me.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

If I'm feeling fastidious, I'll even line up other people's carts.

3. If you got the chance to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?

The last thing I heard from Scott was "Geez, you're hot!", and it wasn't meant in a complimentary fashion.    I seem to be running a little chilly with this new BP pill and keep a sweater on all day, so the hug got cut real short.

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
There was a guy, I kid you not, who actually oded me on his acoustic guitar, much to my embarrassment.  He also did Kermit and other muppet voices.  I knew I absolutely could not handle living with a guy like that the rest of my life and ran screaming.

5. Do you play Sudoku?

I am far too lazy to care about Sudoku.  However, I will go out of my way to figure out what the heck valence electrons have to do with Minkowski Space and whether they are affected by p-brane collisions, however rare.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have this really cool idea for a story.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
I'm not afraid of the wilderness.  If I felt crabby enough, I would eat a skunk raw.  If we're talking being abandoned during freezing rain, though, I want a big coat and expensive boots.  Besides, as surrounded by wilderness as I actually am, I'm pretty sure I would run into a bird feeder or deer lick or even a dog food bowl every few acres, unless I somehow wound up in the national forest.

7. If you were stranded on an island who is the one person you would want to be there with you?
Scott, because he would be spunky enough to do all the heavy work while I sit around and keep watch and come up with ideas.

8. If you could take back anything you have ever done what would it be?
Rolling my VW, so I wouldn't have had to live with that neck injury the rest of my life.

9. What is one thing you cant live without.?
Ok, I assume you don't mean literally, like oxygen and water.  After having to live without so much at various points of my life, I'm having a hard time coming up with anything.  I'll say sox.  As much as I love being barefoot, my feet get cold very easily and I have a collection of fuzzy footies that are the bomb.

10. who is your best friend?
Scott just walked by here making fun of me doing another survey.

11. If you could meet any celebrity who would it be?
I've met a few celebrities.  I got the biggest kick out of meeting Too Slim, who is aging like a fine cheese.

12. What would you do if you won a million dollars?
Take a nap.  Buy a new chicken house.  Get more chickens.  In that order.

13. Have you ever truly been in love?
With a certain shade of blue, yes.  I've always found it mesmerizing.  I don't know if it even belongs in our dimension.

14. What bad word do you say the most?
I think my impact is more in my blunt timing.

15. What is your favorite food?
This morning is was homemade dark rye toast with lots of butter and honey.  mmmmmm!

16. Do you speak any other language?
Garbled, haltingly, and oddly mixed with other languages.

17. What really makes you happy?
I have yet to find anything that thrills me more than staring off into space.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?
If I were IN the house, I'd get out.  If I were OUT of the house, I'd watch it burn and wish I'd grabbed my camera on the way out.

What happened to 19?
20. Who do you text the most?
It is no contest.  I ignore everyone equally.  Oh, um, I meant I text everyone equally.  That's it.

21. Who last said they loved you & meant it?
Scott always means it, even when I'm a pest and he's just trying to get me to shut up and leave him alone.

22. What color are your eyes?
They have little black dots in the middle of them that I find hard to believe are 'holes'.

23. How tall are you?
I can't believe one of the big interviews on the CBS morning news is about how to deal with bad breath.  Oh, sorry, got distracted.

What happened to 24?
25. Do you like your parents?
It's hard to like a lunatic, but Dad is ok.

26. Do you secretly like someone?
I secretly like anyone who keeps trying to get through the day in spite of all odds being against them in every way.  I have this thing for weird oddballs in all shapes and sizes that keep the world spinning while the pretty people try on clothes.

What happened to 27?
28. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
Ok, must break this sentence down the aspie way.  This sentence is actually saying that I was saying I loved someone to someone else on the phone, if you read this correctly.  I don't think I've actually said "I love so and so" to someone else on a phone in a long time.

29. Favorite ex?
This is dumb.  I can't see this being meaningful in any form unless the person answering is the sort to use and abuse others.  Who was your favorite toy that you discarded?  Otherwise, it's like asking what my favorite most painful episode was in my life.

What happened to 30 and 31???
32. Do you like mustard?
Only mixed in other things, the most mustardy being honey mustard.  I like putting a dash of mustard in deviled egg filling or ham glaze and stuff like that.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Strange how we can't do both at once, because I choose both equally.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I've tried to avoid looking clonish.  There are certain looks I make that remind me of my mother at her worst, which is sad.

What happened to 35?
36. Can you do splits?
I'm not sure that's something to really brag about, but I'm sure I could if I had to to save my life somehow doing them.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
I was hoping to see Sweeney Todd at the theater, but Scott says a bloody musical is too much for him, in spite of all the vampire movies he's seen.  If I scrape up enough cash I might just take myself.

What happened to 38?
39. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
I think we went to bed early last year.  I can't remember.  This year, not sure what I'll do.  I think it would be fun to stay up playing games, but Scott is very anti-game the last few years.

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
I avoid many movies.  That was one of them.

What happened to 41 and 42???
43. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Metaphorically, she was the cheerleader from heck, dragging us around health food stores, giving us 20 minute lectures, and beating us with a little stick.  But you couldn't find a more enthusiastic soul for whatever she was into at the moment, be it religion, vitamins, or picking cherries.  I really miss her pot roast sometimes, though.  She was a really unique person.
What happened to 44?
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
How in the world does that matter?
What happened to 46?
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Not enough.  I find daytime naps help.

48. Do you like care bears?
I've managed to not care for years for yet another feel good fuzzy commercial product.
What happened to 49?
50. Do you know how to play poker
I've played poker, and I found it as boring as any other card game.
What happened to 51?
52. What do you wear to sleep?
I suit up for all possible situations.  You never know when you're going to wind up in a nightmare and need to kick blankets all around.

53. Anything big ever happen in your home town?
I'm not sure any more just what is considered my home town.  We had a huge jeep rally here one year with over 5000 people and the original Blues Brothers, but I had to work and missed it.

54. Is your hair straight or curly?
It's got a bizarre fluff on one side from sleeping on it.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Only by my own teeth.

56. Do you like liver and onions?
I make the best liver and onions on the planet.
What happened to 57?
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I need funny people around me, because serious people can be such a drag.

59. Ever been to LA.?
Only on TV.

60. What is on your mind right now?
Nothing.  Yes, I really did check.

61. Any plans for tonight?
Probably homemade tacos.

62. What's your favorite song at the moment?
Bossa Nova Noel, a nearly extinct Christmas song on a 1968 album by Living Strings and Living Voices.  Someday when I update my equipment I'll convert it to digital and share it with the world.  In the meantime, here are the lyrics.

Snow falling down on the city, Everything looking so pretty

This time of year you're sure to hear Bossa Nova Noel!

Listen and you'll hear bells ringing, Laughter and music and singing

People you meet say as they greet Boss Nova Noel!

Tinsel and bright lights Make days out of dark nights

And carols are filling the air

Children are waiting and anticipating

That soon he'll be there everywhere

And when he comes I'll be with him Dancing the greatest of rhythm

You're gonna see Santa and me Doing Bossa Nova Noel.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
I could no more hate chocolate than I could hate my fuzzy footies or my chicken.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't think we have fought in years.  Might have a lot to do with Mom losing her capability to speak...

What happened to 65?
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
I have found over the years that even being miserable together is better than always being alone.  It's comforting to have someone around.  And I don't mean in an abusive relationship when I say miserable, it's just natural to have a few bad days here and there.

67. What do people usually mistake you for?
'Cute', in an eccentric sort of way.  Then they feel so slighted when the snake comes out and hisses or bites.  Honestly, people walk ALL OVER me, and I bite my tongue and try to be nice about it and hopefully redirect it elsewhere until I just lose it.  I'm not sure what attracts people to me in the first place.  I've been told I have charisma.  This from Wikipedia.

The word charisma (from the Greek word χάρισμα (kharisma), "gift" or "divine favor," from kharizesthai, "to favor," from kharis, "favor": see also charism, Charis) refers to a rare trait found in certain human personalities usually including extreme charm and a 'magnetic' quality of personality and/or appearance along with innate and powerfully sophisticated personal communicability and persuasiveness. Though very difficult or even impossible to define accurately (due to a lack of widely accepted criteria in regard to the trait), charisma is often used to describe an (elusive, even undefinable) personality trait that often includes the seemingly 'supernatural' or uncanny ability to lead, charm, persuade, inspire, and/or influence people. It refers especially to a quality in certain people who easily draw the attention and admiration (or even hatred if the application of such charisma is perceived to be negative) of others due to a 'magnetic' quality of personality and/or appearance.

All I have to do is show up and I affect an entire roomful of people, both online and in real life, even if I'm being quiet.  I have to admit I do feel like my body barely contains my exuberant spirit most of the time, and I often wonder if other people unconsciously pick up on that.  My soul or life force or whatever it is feels very overwhelming sometimes, and I feel trapped here in this body, although I do enjoy being here.  I just wish I felt better so I could do something bigger with all this spiritual energy I have.  Maybe I'm learning patience this go round.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
*I* think so, but others beg to differ.  I find that very amusing.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Um, 2:15 p.m.  I have no idea why that popped into my head.

70.  Are you a generally happy person?
I've never been able to wrangle 'happy' into an acceptable definition of being.  I think 'happy' is a misnomer that has developed over the last few centuries and has developed into a commercialized state of mind.  Content and joyful are much better words for how I feel about some things.  I can't help but wonder if 'happiness' nowadays is more akin to sensationalism than anything.

Post this as "My 70 Confessions''

another 14 year old survey

From a private blog on Dec. 12, 2007.

I started this one two nights ago, just finished it.
1. What is the status of you and the last person you held hands with?
He's in bed sawing logs, I boinged awake and got up at 2 a.m.  I think our current status is "not sleeping together".  HAHAHAHA!!!!!

2. What's bothering you right now?
I'm extremely content.  I just ate a piece of homemade dark rye toast loaded with butter and honey with a glass of milk, took a spoonful of benadryl to help me get sleepy again, and I'm loading pictures into photobucket until my eyelids get heavy.  The broadband is working great, in spite of all the towers icing up, and I still have electricity.  Life is good.

3. Who did you get this survey from?
Beats me.  I don't keep track of who posts surveys as bulletins on myspace.  I see a survey, I nab it.

4. When did you last cry?
How many tears is actual crying?  Are crying and weeping the same thing?  It's kind of like when someone says they threw up, and you imagine this violent awful experience of losing their lunch, when really it was only a little urp of slime.  Yeah, I know that's gross, but I find that when people use words like "cry" and "throw up", they tend to let the words carry the impact for something that I wouldn't consider a truly big deal.

5. Who do you hate?
I don't have the energy to hate.  Life is too short to hate.  I have better things to do than hate.  Hating is like focusing on something negative and destructive in a very selfish whiny kind of way, and unless you're hating someone who has truly ruined your life personally, as in murdering someone you love or destroying your marriage or doing dastardly things to your child, you're wasting precious time and energy you could be spending loving someone else.

6. What do you want in your life right now?
Sleepiness, come on down!!!  I would love to go back to bed for a few more hours.

7. Are you happy?
See previous survey for my feelings on 'happiness'.

8. How do you feel about the last person you kissed?
I love hugging him and feeling his fuzzy skin.

9. What do you smell like?
Fortunately I showered before I went to bed, so I can honestly say I smell good.   

10. Drinking?
I finished my milk a little while ago.

11. What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?

12. If you could change something in your life, what would it be?
I sure wouldn't mind not having allergies.
Where's 13?

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
I do fine until my hormones go skydiving.  Anything after that technically isn't my fault.

15. How do you feel about the person you got this survey from?
I wonder about other people not catching the missing questions, and I wonder about people who answer everything in 3 words or less, but usually I wonder most about the person who created the survey in the first place-- are question numbers skipped on purpose?  Why?  Do other people just not care about details as much as I do?  I mean, the last survey was actually titled "70 questions", and 15 of them were missing.  Is someone out there deleting questions as they do surveys and passing them along, giggling insanely under their breath?  Or is the creator halfway through a fifth of vodka and feeling bitter and melancholy and dealing with life issues while they pose questions?  Yes, these and many more ponderances nag at me while I fill these out.
Where are 16 and 17?  (See what I mean?  Who in the world could not notice that we just jumped from 15 to 18?  Apparently MANY people.)

18. What did you do last weekend?
Some very exciting nap taking.  Actually, I don't remember, and I don't care.  I'm sure it's in my blog somewhere if someone is pervasive enough.

19. Who do you miss?
Sometimes I miss my sploit, but I'm so thrilled that we live in the age of cell phones and computers that I probably feel much better than if this were 200 years ago and I would probably get one letter a year from her IF the mail got through.

20. Who is the last girl and boy you hugged?
Twinkles and Scott.  I so rarely see anyone else, and I'm not into hugging my doctor and her staff.  I imagine I could hug the librarian when my interlibrary loan comes in, but that would be weird.

21. Are you scared of snakes?
Nope.  I've never understood that fear.  I grew up playing with snakes that we caught, and I once stepped on a copperhead barefooted (we both freaked out and ran...) and caught another barehanded in the house and killed it with a knife.  One time we even put a big black snake in a jar.  Never do that, by the way.  They have a really nasty smell to them when you keep them cooped up like that.

22. Who was the last person you went somewhere with? Where?
My weekly trip to town with Scott.    But I was puny and we cut it short.

23. What was the last text message you got?
I turn over private information only for cold, hard cash.

24. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends?
Do cheeks count?

25. Are you still with your first love?
My first love was a lump of blue turquoise rock.  I have no idea where it is.

26. Whose house did you go to last night?
Jaizzy's house!    I put straw in her nests and brought her some taco salad.

27. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
This is debatable, since the last time I spent 3 hours there I was hanging out with a bunch of strangers in the waiting room.

28. Who do you like right now?
Boy, this one stumped me.  We jump from hospital to who I like, and I just went completely blank.  Is 'like' supposed to mean 'feel infatuated with' in this instance?  Or just people I like in general?  Randomly speaking, I like the Sonic Guys.

29. Are you bored?
I'm rarely bored.  My brain never says "I'm bored".  It runs continually in all directions.

30. What is the last movie you watched?
Flyboys.  VERY cool.

31. Name three drinks you regularly drink?
Sadly, I laid off the hot chocolate this last week while I let my stomach rest.  I'm mostly sticking to hot tea and hot honey milk now.

32. What are you excited about?
Was I excited?  *looking around*  Sorry, didn't mean to be.  It was a mistake.  Sorry.

33. Do you want someone you can't have?
I question what it is I *truly* want.  I think if we explore feelings like that more deeply we find them rooted in a natural compulsion to escape a gaping loneliness that our souls have felt ever since we were born.

34. Who was last to slap your butt?
  I don't recall anyone slapping my butt for a very long time, and the next person who does is liable to get punched.

35. What makeup do you wear?
I like Maybelline and Almay, but I haven't had the free cash to explore in several years.  Makeup is so horribly expensive to dabble with.

36. What's on your mind right now?
Food... what do I want?  What sounds good?  All I had for lunch was a baked potato, and that was 5 hours ago.  Leftover taco?  Egg sandwich with cheese?  Cereal and toast?  I'm at a loss.

37. Who was the last person to make you cry?
No one *makes* me cry.  I cry because I'm having a bad day or something.  If I turn it into someone making me cry, then I'm giving power to someone else to hurt me instead of taking responsibility for it myself.  Much easier to come to grips with me being in charge of my own crying.

38. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "C"
My eyes are itching like mad ever since I change the straw in Jaizzy's house.  I think her old straw set my allergies off a little.

39. Do you care what others think about you?
My blog, my house, my life.  If you don't like it, why are you hanging around?  I think it's safe to say I could care less what others think of me, because in the end, all our judgments on others are based on our own insecurities.

40. What are you self-conscious about? Why?
I suppose in some ways I'm self conscious about simply existing.  My mom picked on me a little too much growing up, and I grew up feeling like I was never good enough in any way.  Frankly, I've come to realize that was her mental illness, and I'm pretty much fine now with who I am, but I *am* sort of super aware of how people treat each other now.

41. Do you trust people easily?
*everyone who knows me instantly cracks up*  NO!!!!!!!!!!    It takes me years to trust people.
Where's 42?

43. Do you think you'll be married by 10 months?
I think I'll stay married, yeah.  Thanx for asking.  Scott's the bomb.

44. What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
I've been waiting on an interlibrary loan for over a month now.  The status every time I check is "awaiting arrival".  I think everyone along the delivery route is stopping to read this book.  One of these days *I'll* get to read it, too.  What is it, you ask.  It's Dress to Kill, Eddie Izzard's biography.
Where's 45?

46. Who was the last missed call?
I so rarely get calls, that was ages ago.

47. What's your ring tone?
I just leave it on vibrate.  I know there are some really neat ring tones out there, but I just can't stand having to obey a piece of machinery commanding me to do something.  I am NOT at beck and call, even though I keep my phone on me pretty much 24/7.

48. Do you plan on moving within the next year?
I might sit out on the deck more this spring.

49. What were you doing at 10pm Thursday night?
If you have anything on me, I'll still refuse to cooperate.

50. What happened at 10:00 am today?
Hang on a sec while I timewarp and find out.  *coming back with a hotdog*  I was getting ready to head out the door to a CT scheduled at 10:45.  Made me hungry for lunch.  I reminded myself to put paper plates on the shopping list, but I didn't see me do it, so I guess I'll have to do that later.  *rolling eyes*