50 ODD Things about you!

Before I post this old survey, which has never before been made public, I will give you the background hidden behind it, from original posts on the same private blog that same day, also none of which has ever before been made public. I apologize if you find this TMI disenchanting, but since so many of us wind up lurking the medical forums through the wee hours, I say what's the difference.

I cannot say enough about hot chocolate.  Bliss in a mug when nothing else in the world can reach through that titanium wall of pain.  I feel like my pain is almost visible, like a force field around my body, as if I were a Star Fleet ship.

Today, I drive to therapy completely wasted out of my skull.  I can't stand this.  If I don't drug up, I'll be shaky and white and probably make far more drastic driving errors than I would bombed out of my mind.  When I get back home again later I'll post again, because one or two of you might worry if I don't...  Which I appreciate.  You don't have to let me know how scary I sound, and if you saw the highway I have to drive down you'd turn white yourselves.  But if I don't get to therapy and get some relief, I'm going to curl up in a ball and have a VERY bad day.

The antibiotic is making my stomach hurt so bad.    I can barely sit here.  I could only sleep in two hour batches last night, and that only twice.  It's hard to concentrate on my book, but easy to do the dishes like I'm trying to race away from my own body somehow.

In about 20 minutes I'll be floating, and this part will once again be a foggy memory.  In the meantime, hot chocolate is my best friend in the whole world.

Made it home in one piece, yay!  Going to bed.

:edit:  Ok, this is roughly about 2 hours and 15 minutes later.  I'll just add to this one.

First of all, they got after me for not icing down when my back is killing me, so right now I'm sitting here with an ice pack.  I'm not fond of ice packs at all, but ok.  I do have to admit, it does help.

Woke up just in time to take more antibiotic, vicodin, and librax, so I naturally had to eat again with it, and my stomach is REALLY crabby with me.  All I could get down was a bowl of cheerios with a little milk.  I had taken naproxen in the car with a little jug of chocolate milk before I came home, and then made myself eat some real lunch (burrito) before I crashed, so I woke up to about 798 billion intestinal cells having some kind of riot with all their little picket signs, throwing their little hardhats around in disgust, generally disturbing the peace.  I think their demands include upending an entire bottle of acidophilus into my gut in one go, but I keep telling them the little buggers are just going to be killed off by the antiobiotic anyway, I can't just send them to their deaths like that.  So far there hasn't been any real marching in the streets or anything, although at this point I'd almost be relieved to be stuck in the bathroom for a little while, if they do decide to just boink it all and do the angry mob thing.  I'm not sure exactly which med is responsible for all this dang bloating, maybe several of them, but I know better than to double up on the librax, even though the bottle says I can.  I already look pregnant and have put on ten pounds now from the prednisone, can you imagine putting the entire snake in there to SLEEP?  There is no way in hell or high water I'm going back to the ER because I'm eating librax like candy and shutting down my entire digestive system.  I'm shocked the bottle even suggests that.

It's kind of funny if you think about it.  What are you hooked on?  Meth.  And what are you hooked on?  Alcohol and bong hits.  And how about you?  Vicodin and librax, doc, and you gotta help me poop, man, I'm dyin'.....

Yeah, there's no way I'm going in there for THAT.  I'll just have to tolerate the little picket signs and keep pushing the fiber.  I have limits to what sort of pride I'll chunk out the door in the name of pain.

That concludes the real life stuff. I'd like to reassure everyone that I'm much healthier now, pain levels are way down compared to back then, and I'm off most of the meds and functioning pretty well around my home. There really is hope when the world sux, but sometimes it takes a lot of time to get stuff figured out and straightened out. Please don't give up hope. If I can come back to a functional life from several years of nearly complete immobility, excruciating pain, agonizing depression, and severe brain fog, I believe we all can, but we've got to be willing to let go of our self destructions. At the time, my diabetes wasn't as yet diagnosed and I didn't know I was complicating my autoimmune problems and healing from a herniated disc with my carb-rich diet.

The reason I shared that here is to help readers understand the importance of developing a good habit of positive distraction for psychological health during long-term illness. Putting words together is a great coping strategy for me. No matter how difficult your situation might be, if you can put your mind to a distraction, you CAN get through it. This is what Surveypalooza is all about.

This survey was originally posted on 8-8-07 on a private blog. I felt too ill that week to include links and vids, as per my usual.

50 ODD Things about you! (This came with skipped numbers, so it's not 50. I suspect alcohol was involved with either the survey creator or the previous filler-outer because the skipping is so outrageous.)

1. What's your number #1 priority?
Food.  Looking in the fridge for something good.  Finding cheese and melting it on a burrito.  Thinking about how good cashews would be on a pile of Chinese food.  Making a hot egg sandwich on toast.  Remembering the last time I had lamb chops and drooling.  Reading how to cook a possum from an ancient recipe book my mom received for a wedding gift.  Wondering if I could make a really good quiche from scratch.  Deciding that it would be awesome to roast a turkey sometime, instead of waiting for Thanksgiving.  Picturing what it must have been like to roast a goose back in Dickens' time.  Thanking God I don't have to literally go out and butcher an old hen for Sunday dinner nowadays.  Watching the Food Channel.  Melting slices of snicker bar and marshmallow onto a graham cracker in the microwave.  Eating a good cheese ball.  Why do I think about and appreciate food so much?  Because I have such a hard time eating it.  I was born with severe digestive difficulties.  I spent the first 8 years of my life on Donnatal, an anti-spasmodic.  I've spent half my adult life on Librax.  It literally hurts to eat.  When I CAN eat, I enjoy food more than you can possibly imagine.

2. What is your favorite possession?
My pet chicken, my lawn chair, and a long handled spatula.  Ok, so I pluralized it.  Honestly, I'm so nonmaterialistic that I can't think of a single thing in or out of this house that I'd truly bemoan missing if the house burned down, because I'm so bad about laying something down and forgetting about it in the first place.  I think I'd mourn getting a hole in my favorite sox more than anything.

3. Do you own a gun?
It's called a "salad shooter".  I can pelt you with raw veggies in the face at 60 paces.

4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
Smooth move on the software creation... are you rich now?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
THEY get nervous when they see me coming.  I get anything I want.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Genius.  Pure genius.  The people who make hot dogs are a blessing to ball parks and theme parks and raceways everywhere.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Homemade hot chocolate from a recipe I invented and took years to perfect.

9. Can you do push ups?
I push the guide up and down all the time with the remote.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
My tub sparkles and still looks brand new after 14 years, thanx to Scott.  And I still have my original kitchen trash can, too.  I believe in the power of Windex on all surfaces after they've reached a certain level of crustiness.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
That earring broke a long time ago.  I still mourn.  It was a long dangly lapis star and moon with gold beads.

12. Do you take painkillers?
They take ME.  Ask me a better question, like how high my pain tolerance is compared to the general public, and why Paris Hilton takes more vicodin for cramps than I do for lupus flareups around disk bulges.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
They have to be lured?  Funny, I didn't realize that.  I thought they sort of more like have to be peeled off.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? [Attention Deficit Disorder]?
Better yet, I'm aspie.  Challenge me with something a little less fundamental and fashionable.  I own a Geek Squad t-shirt.

15. What's your name?
My 'Indian' name is currently Up Late Folding Laundry For Desperate Teenage Daughter.

16. Middle Name?
Falling Asleep In This Chair While I Wait For The Dryer To Buzz.  (FAITCWIWFTDTB for short.)

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. I should have taken sploit up on that offer for a back rub before she went to bed.
2. I could be watching youtubes.
3. How many more of these things do I have to go?  38?  Will I make it?  Ok, no, we took a vote, and it's pretty clear I'd better go to bed with the rest of my cells or there will be a big mess to clean up from the strikers taking off on me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

(Two hours later, up for pain pills.)

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought recently?
1. A cantaloupe.
2. Doctorial services.  (copay)
3. A birthday card for my sister.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
1. The above-mentioned hot chocolate.  OH so good.

2. Homemade limeades.  Juice from 1/2 a lime and a small bottle of sprite.  OH so good.
3. Homemade ice tea from those little Lipton tea bags, not the big ones, just a dash of sugar.  OH so good.

22. Current worry?
Dang, only TWO hours of sleep this time...  Sure hope I get back to bed soon, this sux.

23. Current hate?
*Brain screeches to halt as I search for something I hate.*  Oh, yeah, child rapists/murderers.  Too bad we've done away with drawing and quartering, burning at the stake, and generally gouging eyes out and chopping hands off.

24. Favorite place to be?
In my body.  I know, I know, it hurts a lot and we don't always agree on things, but in the end, I'm always glad I'm in here and not booted out just yet.

25. How did you bring in the New Year?
I wasn't aware I was the one who brought it in...  *looking around*  Oh.  Well, then, I guess it's all my fault.  Sorry about that, folks.

26. Where would you like to go?
BACK TO BED.    Ok, I'll think of something 'real'.  Um, I'd like to be able to go to Panama City again, definitely in off season, of course, and do some more shopping and ocean hanging-outing.

27. Do you own slippers?
I'm down to one pair.  The big colorful turkey slippers finally bit the dust.

28. What shirt are you wearing?
A really old faded tie-dye that looks like a few Easter eggs met untimely deaths.

30. Favorite color(s)?
Royal blue LED lights.

31. Would you be a pirate?
They used to call us hackers.

32. Are you gay?
Aside from letting Scott touch me, I'm asexual, and if that bothers you (that really does bother people, it's so weird), then maybe you are a-phobic.  Ha, I am so funny.

33. Do you sing in the shower?
We are all glad I do not sing in the shower, but no one can stop me singing everywhere else.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child.? 
A garbage truck.  I had a nightmare about a garbage truck when I was about 3 that sticks with me to this day.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
I'd love to say money, but alas, I'm not having pockets at the moment.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Clean.  I don't recall ever having theme sheets.  I nearly fell over the first time I saw a kid's room with themed sheets and curtains and wallpaper and stuff.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Being flipped out of a car window during an accident.  It hurt.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I think Scott really likes me sometimes.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
I'm never outside long enough anymore to see shooting stars, but I will tell you this.  One time I saw one coming RIGHT AT ME while I was driving.  I'm sure it never made it real close, but I watched it burn up and disappear and was really unnerved the rest of the day.

45. What's your favorite book?
All-time fave-- Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett.

46. What's your favorite candy?
I'm not a big candy person, but I do head straight for the Cadbury eggs when they are in season.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
We just ran off and got hitched, no family, no song.  Didn't think we could take the headache the second time around for both of us.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
"I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead" by Weird Al.

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
I swear I have an alibi, just let me sit here and think one up, ok?

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Already?  It's 4 in the morning, dang.  And I'll never get back to sleep, so I may as well just frickin get up again.  And tonight we're going Already?  It's 2:30 in the morning, dang.  But maybe I'll get back to sleep after I get another pain pill in me this time.  And more benadryl.

Again, sorry no fun links, pix, or vids, but I've especially had this one on my mind all week. Hugs to all of you, hang in there, you can do this.

‘here it is’ survey

Originally posted 9-15-08.

Do you think your mature?
I suppose it would be immature of me to say I wish you’d spelled it “you’re”.  I realize that’s my own obsessive autistic attention to detail in the big safe world of language usage and spelling rules, not yours (now spelled correctly in another usage form).  I wonder if ‘my kind’ are the ones who obsess over dictionaries and stuff.  I find that comforting.

Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
Even better!  Scott told me I’m cute!  *fainting*  And don’t worry.  He can’t spell for beans, either.  He spelled ‘depoist’ in his checkbook for years until he met me.  I love him anyway.

Who was the last persons house you went to besides your own?
Scott has warned me not to go into the chicken house because there is a big, black spider in there.  I heed his warning.

What’s on your mind?
I’m thinking this is a virus, and I’m not happy about it.  You know how it is, wobbly, chills, time passing in weird ways.

Listening to music?
The sweet music of Sunday football, the commentators, the crowd, the funny commercials.  ~/~  Ok, now it’s the music of pounding on the roof on a Monday afternoon.  I tend to take lots of breaks during surveys.

Anything annoying you right now?
You are annoying me greatly with typos, punctuation errors, and dangling sentences.

What did you do last night?
This question always annoys me.  There are 3 questions that annoy me more than any others.  Do I sing in the shower, what color are my eyes, and what did I do last night.  I suppose we could look into why these 3 annoy me the most, but it’s simple.  The survey maker is either lacking in creativity, or is a federal agent monitoring the internet via crappy surveys.  Or someone’s mom.  Or a pervert.  Or an alien from the Caelum Constellation trying to blend in with the myspace crowd.

Who did you ride in a car with last besides your family?
What did I tell you?  They’re watching us.  You have to be careful what you say in these surveys or big guys in black helmets will knock down your door and tell you to freeze something.  No one has ever come back alive to tell us what they had to freeze.

Do you have any bruises?
I will proudly show off what happens when a person goes sliding down a hill.  Those are out now, btw.  Good question, too.  I might just forgive all the things I said about typos and stuff.  The redness is a staple allergy, in case you are wondering.

What were you doing at noon yesterday?
At the risk of becoming entangled in a federal investigation, I was watching football.

How long does it take you to get ready?
Helloooo, aspie on the other side of the universe here.  Let’s take the readiness test, shall we?  I can make really nice full blown from scratch meals in 20 minutes flat, I can head out the door immediately if anyone calls about injury or fire, and I’m so ready I actually go back in time a few seconds ripping my clothes off for Scott.  Anything else, you can wait till you croak off.  I don’t care.

Have you been outside today?
Let’s go see what Scott is up to, shall we?

The last text you received on your cell was from?
It’s vital to national security that you not know it was my sister.  She’s in special training today on *pfft!*  Ow!  That hurt!  Wait…  I’m bleeding!  Somebody, call 911!  Ahhhhhhh!  It’s Marwan!  Run for your lives!  Ok, I know, I know.  I just finished season 4 of 24 in my big 24 marathon that is taking over my life.

Last movie you watched?
“Coco Chanel” was on Lifetime last night.  I flipped back and forth between that and the Steelers vs. the Browns.  I know, it seems out of character for me, but I retailed for some time, I’m a little bit into fabrics and stats on international goods and services, and I’m actually familiar with the changing trends in women’s fashions over the last several centuries because I’m into cultural anthropology and sociology, as well.  So yes, even though I’m androgynous in my khakis and POTC3 t-shirt, I thought the history behind Chanel was cool.

Are you wearing any jewelry?
Cheap Panama Jack shell earrings that look like a cool mimic on shark’s teeth or something.

The last place you went to?
I had a follow up with my doctor today.  Showed her the cool scar still healing on my knee.

What color are your bedroom walls?
Who cares?  As long as I don’t see a spider anywhere, any color is fine with me.

What should you be doing right now?
Taking a nap.  But Scott told me to watch his tools while he runs back to Lowe’s for more boards.

What do your friends call you?
Annoying.  I don’t generally keep friends very long.  I have a bad habit of being a little too aspie to tolerate.

Has anyone ever told you they like you more than a friend?
I’ve had quite a few hints, yes.  I usually edge for the door and run like mad.

What did you last eat?
I hope Scott gets back soon because I’m going to fall asleep right here in this chair.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I sorta wanted a tiny gold band around my lower lip for awhile, but I’m a lip picker, and I probably would’ve played with the band until I hurt myself with it.

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?
There are so many answers to this one.  Yes, I really thought I was going to marry a ~person~.  How in the world did I get stuck with this Arquillian?

Have you ever had your heart broken?
I’m so not in the mood for this crap. :edit: This video is a replacement for the one that disappeared.


What are you listening to ?
Scott’s back.  He’s on the roof again.  See ya, I’m going to get that nap now.

Have any of your friends ever cried on your shoulder?
Some of them aren’t even friends.  I’ve had total strangers walk up to me and pour out their life stories.  I seem to be really good at listening, like Guinan.

How many people on your top aren’t virgins?
The myspace mentality shines through.  I could care less about other people’s sex lives.

Have you ever kissed someone in front of your parents?
I’m way too old to even care about this question.  Why am I doing this survey?  Oh, yeah, virus.  Wobbly.  Time passing weirdly.

Has anyone ever asked you if you had sex or not?
I’m going to gross you all out.  The first time I EVER had an exam, the doctor actually called my first husband in and asked him point blank if he knew what he was doing, because my hymen was still intact.  Turns out, as I found out a couple years down the road, I’d married a pedophile.  Yeah, nasty.  To this day I have a raging loathing for pedophiles.

Has anyone ever taken pictures of you asleep?
Scott says I’m cute when I’m asleep because I’m all snuggled up with my head sticking out, but he’s never taken a picture.  It’s nice to be called cute when you are nearly 47 years old.

Have braces?
I’m ready to scoop out the survey maker’s brain with a spoon.

Are your parents still together?
Vicodin with a virus is kinda weird.

Does anything hurt you right now?
Virus.  Wobbly.  Time passing weirdly…

Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
Speaking of my cell phone, I finally tossed the old red cover and reinstalled the original blue one, changed the wallpaper to look like I’m going through hyperspace, and turned all my menus purple.  A BETTER question would be how many of you put your cell phone under your pillow so you’ll never miss a single text throughout the night?  I know someone who does that, then complains every day that she didn’t sleep well.    I made the mistake of doing that only once.  I hit the ceiling like a cat.

Who was your last missed call from?
I miss nearly every single call that comes in.  I refuse to be a slave to a phone.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
The older I get, the more wasted I have to be to tolerate sharing my movie experience with a great big roomful of annoying strangers.

Are you easily scared by horror/thriller films?
I internalize EVERYTHING.  I reel away from tension in a show like I’ve been shot.  It doesn’t even have to be scary.  You can imagine how many different tv shows and movies I avoid like the plague.  I can’t begin to tell you what watching 6 seasons of a virtually nonstop “24″ marathon is doing to me.  I was especially glued to Ike coverage because my kiddo is over that way.  BTW, I was watching the Weather Channel when hurricane Ike tossed Mike Bettes into the bushes, laughed my head off.  They bugged him about that for hours.

If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it ?
I kinda feel like I could throw up, but I’m not a puker, so I’m wading through the nausea in this surrealistic weirdness.  The opening Monday night football song was cool tonight.  I love that they do that.  Ok, what was the question?  Gee, a hundred bucks.  I’d probably go to a chiropractor, buy some new footies, and go back to bed.  I feel terrible.

Where are you right now?
omg, this was a very disturbing question.  I actually looked around.  I don’t even have a fever.  Oh, wait.  I guess I’m sweating.  Ok.

What are you doing?
You know how your stomach gurgles around when you’re sick?  I’m doing that.  I’m gurgling.

Hows the weather today?
Fantastic.  Truly amazing.  Nice and autumny.  Sort of.  It’s been weird this year because all the rain created a jungle out there, and we’re still lush and rain foresty and very buggy.  But the cooler air today was lovely.

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
Happiness is a feeling.  It’s not a situation.  I was born miserable, I grew up miserable, I have survived miserable.  Happiness, if I could actually believe in such a thing on this earth, would be not feeling sick every day.  Happiness would be being able to joyfully move around in the sun without it killing me.  Happiness would be being glad I could easily eat and breathe and actually run and jump.  But I digress.  Happiness is a state of mind.  It is contingent on a situation or other person being pleasing.  Once that situation has passed, which can easily happen at any second, the happiness is over.  According to our constitution, happiness is a ‘pursuit’.  It is something unobtainable and undefinable.  We have the freedom to pursue it, but the more we pursue it, the more miserable we become.  Since I was born miserable, I am free of this pursuit.  My only way out is to remain drugged out of my mind, and I reject that.  I choose NOT to be happy.  I choose to be challenged to grind through life with grit and crankiness.  I choose to rise to this challenge without promise of any kind of ‘happiness’.  Because there is no one or no thing on this earth that can *make* me ‘happy’.  That is something I do for myself.  I have never been happy in this life to be here, but I have felt invigorated by the challenge.  We are not born on this earth to be happy.  I accept that, maybe not very gracefully, but at least I can look the universe in the eye and say I earned my place in it.

Could you date someone taller then you?
Scott let me go with him to Lowe’s yesterday to get some boards.    

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I was saying the other day that if the Vikes make it to the playoffs this year, I’m dyeing my hair purple, but shadows of doubt are already being cast.

Do you believe in love?
I would not know how else to survive my life if I couldn’t focus on that.  I’ve had to learn to be mean and tough just to take it, but I don’t think I’d have the will to survive if I didn’t have something or someone to love.  It’s funny, I knew even as a young kid I’m in love with being alive.  I love seeing the world, I love watching other people, I love figuring things out.  If I didn’t have that inside me, the emptiness would kill me.  I tell people in despair to find something, ~anything~ that you love, and cling to it.  Don’t let go of loving something or someone, even if you never get it back.  People who survive the hard stuff are the ones who don’t freeze up in self doubt and self pity.  We see beyond the pain and trauma to what we love.  This is me on the left in one of my rare outings with one of my sisters.

How old do you want to be when you have kids?
I’m enjoying the empty nest thing now.  It’s pretty cool to have so much freedom back.

Is there something that has happened in your past that you really hate?
I could dredge a few things up, but I think it’s pointless.  Hanging onto a list of what I hate is pretty shallow.

“in pain” survey

Originally posted 6-21-09.

Time for another summer rerun!  This one was done way back on 11-24-07 near the beginning of what was to wind up being a hellish 6-week CMV infection that went into my liver, although at this point in time we had no idea.

Looking back over this survey, I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic and think it’s funny or what.  It’s weird looking back on something and remember being in the moment, and then seeing it from outside the moment.   I just know my pain level went to 50 (Princess Bride) several times this weekend.

1. What’s one thing thats heavily weighing on your mind?

Day 4 on antibiotic:  We’ve deteriorated to exploding into unstoppable coughing spasms within a minute or two of dozing off throughout the day and night, even sitting up.  Robitussin for cough and cold suspiciously making it worse.  Resultant fibro in neck up to skull and slamming headaches when I cough no longer responding to skelaxin.  Full blown occipital neuralgia on top of it will soon be turning me into a slavering werewolf, despite the codeine.  I’ll try not to eat Scott when I morph over.  If I suck on one more cough drop I’ll have to kill Willy Wonka.  Throat spray only helps when I miss and hit my eyeballs or nose or whatever.  Glands still extremely tender, throat still sore.  Scott wants me to go back to the doctor.  Thus concludes my 9th day since onset.  I’m ready for morphine.  If this were 100 years ago, I’m pretty sure it would kill me, if I didn’t run screaming into the woods first and plunge off a little cliff onto some rocks.  I’m ready to drink the entire bottle of vanilla and then move on through the almond, mint, and orange flavorings.  Don’t laugh.  A couple of those bottles are 80 and 90 proof.

2. What’s one thing you’ve learned from a good friendship gone bad?
When you run into someone in a mall or library 5 years later, and you find out the email or phone number they swapped you isn’t any good, you wonder why in the world did they act so happy to see you again in the first place.

3. What’s one thing you’ve learned lately from love?
True and abiding love is not expecting your husband to sit up and baby you through # 1.  True love is telling him not to feel guilty and to go on to bed.  True love is realizing that two crabby people during a health care mess is not a fun ride, and that when the tables are turned, I’ll want to go to bed, too.  Oh, MAN, I’ll want to go to bed.  I’ve got several days of sleep to catch up on as he gets this coming on.  He says his chest is hurting now…  :edit later:  He says now it was just heartburn.  Go figure.

I just looked this up.
from http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/students2/shs/flu.htm

Should I Call My Doctor?
In most cases, you don’t need to see your doctor when you have a cold or the flu. However, if you have any of the symptoms below, seek medical advice.

• A cold that lasts for more than 10 days
• Earache or drainage from your ear
• Severe pain in your face or forehead
• Temperature above 102° F
• Shortness of breath
• Hoarseness, sore throat or a cough that won’t go away

I’d call that a big yes…  I have the first 3 and the last one.  Don’t know what else a doctor can DO for me, except maybe tranquilize me.

4. Is there anyone special in your life in general at the moment?
Besides kleenex?  My ears are starting up a jihad, so we need to get past this mushy stuff.

5. What’s a happy time you’ve had in the past week or two?
Let’s see…  Ah, yes, the sweet nostalgia of rediscovering Vicks.  It’s worthless, actually.

6. Is there anything in your past that you’d like to try again?
Do you mean do it again now at this age?  I’m not really getting any bites here.  My brain is in the kitchen humming to itself.  Last time I saw it, it was nestled in the paper pile by the blender.

7. Who do you like to spend most of your nights with?
I spend ~all~ of my nights with Scott.  He keeps showing back up after work, and I keep making stuff for him to eat.

8. Are you an emotional person?
It’s hard to tell.  I went into total aspie freak out last night, which I haven’t done in quite awhile, after a super nasty coughing fit in the middle of a dead sleep, and I was on the floor rocking and crying and flapping my hands and not making a lot of sense with Scott while I dealt with unbelievable pain.  To other people, THAT looks like I’m terribly upset.  To me, it’s not actually feeling an emotion so much as being so overwhelmed that I lose control of my logic center and my brain scrambles for neurological feedback that it can hook into and get around the other stimulations.  About ten minutes and I was ok.  It was kind of odd because that was the first time Scott had actually seen me blow completely out after knowing me for 17 years.  I held so much in while I was raising the kids because I didn’t want to scare them or weird them out, because we didn’t have a name for all that until quite lately, and I didn’t know it was actually normal behavior for me.  So actually, this is the first time as an adult that I’ve been able to get feedback on my behavior, and amazingly, Scott was real open and calm about it and didn’t try to interrupt the process or snap me out of it.  I asked him if he’d seen me do any of that before, because I usually don’t notice when I do, and he said yes, in bits and snatches over the years when I’d get stressed, just not all at once before.  I told him when I was a kid, Mom would shake me and yell at me to stop because it scared her, and I never understood what I was supposed to stop, exactly, so I learned to just don’t move at all around her.  I grew up being a really stiff person in school and church and everywhere because I was afraid to move and attract attention to myself, because my mom would freak out.  Scott said he noticed that I am like that, like I’m really tense.  And I was like yeah, if she’d just let me be weird and touch things and flap and rock and all that stuff, I’d easily be a happier person all my life, because that’s just how I de-stress.  It didn’t bother him one bit.  All these years I’ve been afraid to ‘act out’ in front of my own family, and he’s fine with it.  He couldn’t believe how much that affected my whole life, having to feel like I couldn’t even fidget in public and holding myself so still any time even one person walked into a room.  I’m very different now since I found out I fit in a particular sort of normal.  Much more relaxed.  Funny how long it took to find out I’m really ok.  Anyway, it’s hard for me to tell sometimes if I’m being emotional or not when others might think I look like I am.  I hold a lot of reactions back over simple things like misunderstandings and being surprised and stuff, and sometimes I go ahead and react and I seem angry and look angry, but I don’t always feel angry or upset as much as just a little flustered.

9. Are you self conscious?
As per # 8, you would think I’m terribly self conscious, but I’m actually not very self aware at all.  I know this sounds incredible, but there have been times I’ve actually forgotten I still have my pajamas on and caught myself putting my shoes on to go somewhere in the car.  Even to church.

10. Do you think of others before yourself?
Constantly.  It’s kind of automatic after spending so many years feeding and cleaning up after other people and taking care of them when they’re sick.

11. What’s something that can always make you feel better?
I can’t tell ya how badly I would love to have even just a two hour nap tonight that is blissfully uninterrupted.

12. Who was the last person you had a crush on?

   

13. Where do you see yourself this time next year?
Good morning.  I started this survey Thursday evening.  This is now Friday.  Day 5 has started off much better because I actually slept last night.  Well, that sentence looks dang optimistic, so don’t get the idea I’m cured.  Let’s just say at this point the whole werewolf thing is less likely now.  As for next year, I don’t know whether to hold my breath or just give up and laugh.  I would so love to feel better than I have this year.

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
I can jump into anyone’s whining and quell any complications that arise, but thankfully, I really don’t do that very much.  Everything boils down to a few simple variables, and the reason they become complicated is because things get overlayed with stuff like guilt, pressure to conform or change, selfish whining or insecurities, making excuses for someone being abusive, stuff like that.  When you strip away the passive aggression and learned helplessness, the path becomes clear.  If you don’t like the path, you just cover it back up and quit whining about it.  Yes, as you can imagine, no one comes to me for advice.  My children claw the walls to escape, and everyone else ran away screaming a long time ago.  It’s a peaceful existence, rarely being dragged into soap operas.

15. Who do you feel the most comfortable around?
Scott tolerates me amazingly well without question and helps steer me when I go a little too aspie, and I’ve come to I trust his judgment completely, so I hope the rest of our marriage is something he never regrets.  I wouldn’t trade him for any other guy on the planet.

16. Is there something that you’re waiting for?
I’m trying to wait patiently to feel better.  I slipped up a little yesterday and got kinda crabby and whiny.  It’s very challenging to act nice and sweet when you don’t feel well.

17. One thing you’re not looking forward to?
I’ve got a pile of dishes looking at me every time I walk through the kitchen.  Normally that doesn’t bother me, but I feel so crappy that I can barely keep up with the house at all lately.  That really gets me down.  Scott has decided that we ARE putting up a tree this year, a little one on the kitchen table to put in the bay window, so we’ve gotta clean off the table today, too.  After 6 hours of sleep for the first night in a week or more, I’m hoping a nap is possible, and that I don’t get crabby during Scott’s Christmas tree enthusiasm.  Last year we all missed Christmas completely because Twinkles was in the hospital for 11 days, and we nearly lost her.  The holiday was very depressing.  I think this year Scott wants to feel the ol’ fun come back, even though he’s been saying all year that we’re taking the year off, and even though he’s griped through every single Christmas we’ve ever had in this house.  He’s a funny guy.  I think he would love to be jolly and really enjoy it, but there are so many memories over the years that get in the way.  He has a love/hate conflict thing with the whole season.  Me, I’m just tired.  I’ve been too run down all year to feel enthusiastic.

18. How do you feel about change?
I resist all change that I can’t personally control.  It’s an aspie thing.  I’ve gotten better about it through the years, though.

19. What are you most looking forward to?
I think I’d really like to try going back to sleep after I finish my breakfast.  Scott is out shopping a little with Twinkles, the house is quiet, my coughing seems to have subsided a bit…

20. What are your plans for your next birthday?
I never make plans for my birthday, unless it’s to feed people.

21. Do you even care about your birthday?
Not any more.  Cake is always good, though.  Good thing there are birthdays so we can have cake.

22. Do you think anyone in the world loves you?
I think everyone does, they just aren’t always clued in to that.  I’ve noticed that people who are easily irritated by me are easily irritated by other things, as well, so they drag around their own stuff.  I don’t take it personally.

26. Why do you drive the car you have right now?

White sorta looks storm trooperish, and I like it.  For me, white is the ‘new black’ ever since Star Wars came out.  And at the time it fit me pretty good. I’ve driven old junky cars all my life, that one was the closest I’ve ever come to nearly new and fairly nice.  In the nearly 10 years since then, it’s getting a little junky itself, but it’s still my baby Lamborghini.

27. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
He tries not to let me, but I’ve seen it, yeah.  It takes an awful lot to devastate him, but once it happens, he’s a real lone wolf type.  I am one of the privileged few who has seen a couple of tears here and there.

28. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
Don’t talk to me about vitamins as a kid.  While other kids took a Flintstone, I had handfuls of junk stuffed down my throat.  I’m sure I came pretty close to vitamin A toxicity one year during one of Mom’s delusional driven spells to cure me of something imaginary and show the world ~she~ knew more than the doctors who shrugged me out the door.  When you know the difference between stearates and oxides in mineral molecular construction at the tender age of 12, among many other bits of health food store trivia, you’re a little too immersed in the vitamin culture.  And I’m here to tell you, vitamins *do* *not* *stop* illnesses like diabetes or lupus.  Mom gambled and lost.  She went into a nursing home before she even hit 65 and is already so deficit she’s not much more than a vegetable, and she’s not even 70.  And my adult life has been pretty miserable with illness.  So if you’re cramming vitamins down your kids’ throats, lighten up.  One Flintstone a day is plenty.  And I don’t mean to insult anyone, I’m just saying if it adds up to more than 40 pills a day, that’s a tad excessive.

29. Did you get any compliments today?
Scott noticed I’m a tad perkier and gave me some nice hugs before he went shopping, and said he’d be back as soon as he could.  That, to me, is better than compliments.  His concern is the best feeling I get in the whole world.  And I bet he brings me back a surprise of some kind.  :edit later:  Yep, he bought a set of various little Christmas candles.  Unfortunately, my nose is so plugged, all I could smell was a strong glue smell all evening after I lit a little red one called “Christmas Eve”.

30. Are you friends with your neighbors?
I normally show up for food, but this year was just too rough for that, between being so sick and their personal problems.

31. What were you just thinking about?
I really should go try laying down now while I have the chance.  See ya.

32. Name the places you have lived in?
Ok, that was nice.  I think I got a little over an hour of light dozing with no coughing.  Still feel incredibly tired and weak, and now I have a microwaved potato in front of me.  All the places I’ve lived, eh?  I’m just not in the mood to dredge up my whole life right now, sorry.  But I will say NW New Mexico and SW Missouri.  How’s that?  And if you’ve been around, you know those are like night and day.  Both are in my heart and soul.

33. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
3 days ago.  Geez, I live outa town, I have to drive at least 20 minutes just to get to the closest Walmart and doctor.  3 days ago I drove about 120 miles round trip to see my mom.  I used to do that once or twice a month, then it got to every other month, then every 3 or 4 months, then twice a year, and now it looks like I’m just about to the annual point because my chronic fatigue has gotten so bad over the years.  Seems like every time I plan a trip out I either get sick or wiped out.  This time I made it come hell or high water because it’s possibly the last Thanksgiving I’ll see her.

34. Have you ever had a crush on your sister’s/brother’s friend?
I am SO glad I’ve never had a crush on a ‘local’.  All my crushes are unreachable, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble.  Maybe it’s the Asperger’s, but I very rarely crush on people I can actually smell or touch.  I really dig Scott, but I’m otherwise terribly asexual, another byproduct of the Asperger’s.  I just have no interest in sharing myself with other people like that.  If you’ve never heard of this, or wonder about yourself or a friend, here’s a couple of places to start.  And don’t assume asexuality and Asperger’s always go hand in hand, because they don’t.  The key word is ‘spectrum’, ~all~ our brains are on a spectrum of developmental and chemical types.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

ABC News: Sexless and Proud

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I haven’t looked in a mirror yet.  Last night I got the flashlight out and looked at my throat in the mirror.  I’ve had all kinds of sore throats, but this one was different.  I didn’t get the usual tonsillitis or strep or all the other stuff, and it didn’t even look very red or swollen until just lately, but man, it has hurt like heck all week.

36. When is the next time you will make out with somebody?
I’m having such a wave of weakness, I’ve gotta go lay back down.  I spent the last 3 days unable to really lay down and almost completely sleepless because I was drowning in phlegm, so I guess I’d better do what my body tells me right now.  It would be cruel of me to force it to stay up just to do this survey.  Later, taters.

37. What’s a word that rhymes with “LUCK”?
Hello again.  Not even sure why I’m here.  I can’t get over how weak I am today.  I remember some years back, maybe around 20 years ago, both my parents got pneumonia or something, and, neither one a big doctor fan, they stuck it out at home.  It took 6 weeks for them to get as back to normal as they were going to get.  I cannot even imagine feeling this weak for 6 weeks.  Wait a sec.  I was this weak with the Bell’s Palsy.  I was actually worse.  But this is different, the Bell’s didn’t involve my lungs at all, but it knocked my nervous system offline.  I discovered awhile ago one of the glands on the side of my neck is getting kinda hard.  We used to raise goats, and anyone familiar with goats knows that they get swollen glands all the time, and in goats, the glands literally rupture and drain, very gross.  Yes, it ruptures toward the outside, so there is a big lump of hard stuff under their skin high on there neck just behind the ear, about where my swollen gland is, and it eventually ruptures and drains and then heals up.  Goats seem to pick up every little virus out there and can get just as snotty and gross as any human, but I never saw any of that slow them down.  They didn’t lay around lethargically malaised, like I’m feeling.  But then, I never saw a goat get a lung infection, either.  Anyway, I think I’m going to go back to the couch.  I was able to eat a little and putter a little trying to clean off some of the kitchen table for the tree later, but that lasted about 10 minutes in very slow motion, so I thought sitting here would help me rest.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s 2:00 right now, maybe I can get another little nap in.  See ya.

38. What’s your favorite planet?
Nunchuck.  Answer to last question.  It’s after midnight now, so we’re heading into Saturday morning.  Had reached a point where I actually thought the coughing was about done, but around 10:30 it all came back, and nothing is stopping it.  I could literally sleep with my forehead on my arms at this desk and cough in my sleep.  Anyway, favorite planet…  I think I answered this in another survey and forgot what I wrote.  I think it may have been a fiction planet from a book or tv show, so it’s anyone’s guess right now.  I think I coughed my brains out.

39. Who’s the 2nd person on your missed calls list?
I don’t think I’ve missed a call in days.  Everyone knew I lost my voice, so no one is calling.

41. What shirt are you wearing right now?
Wow, same shirt as the last time I was asked this in a survey.  Don’t worry, it’s been through the washer since then.

42. What do you “label” yourself as?
Right now, “puny”.

43. Name the brand of shoes you’re currently wearing?
I don’t like wearing shoes in the house.  I need my freedom.  Besides, it’s nearly one a.m.

44. Bright or dark room?
My monitor is trying to turn pink again.  Aside from that and a very small lamp, it’s dark in here.

45. What do you think about the person who last took this survey?
I nabbed it off a bulletin from someone I really don’t know, but the answers seem to be short and sorta boring.  Once in awhile I see a glimmer of thought, but not often.  I don’t know how these people can put so many surveys up on bulletins and keep being so boring.  I’m not saying I’m a genius, but these things could be a lot more stimulating if someone really had a go at it.

46. If you’re alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep in?
I’m on the couch again tonight.  I can’t see putting Scott through all this torture.

47. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Working on this survey… a long and arduous task while one is sick.

48. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?

People who answer questions like these aren’t the sort of professionals who can keep client info to themselves, like a private eye or psychologist would.  It’s strange to me that people are so ready to blurt out other people’s words to them.  If I had gotten this survey off a friend or relative and had seen an answer right off the phone, I’d be less inclined to text them in the future, knowing they’d so freely share anything I privately say with a whole list of strangers.

It’s weird when surveys end on unrounded numbers, but I guess it’s better than trying to reach a number and the questions getting stupider and stupider trying to fill up space.

30 Unusual ?’s

Originally posted 7-10-08.

1. To whom did you last give the finger?
When I was growing up my mom said it’s not polite to point, so I use my elbow.  With my sunglasses on, it kinda looks like I’m undercover when I do that.  I am much cooler doing it than anything you are imagining right now.

2. If you had 1,000,000 dollars what would you buy?
I don’t know.  I mean, you’ve gotta have a million in collateral just to apply for a Sonic franchise (betcha didn’t know that, eh?), so it’s not like I could really flaunt it or anything.  And I hate shopping.  Maybe I could be a rich hermit living in squalor with chickens in my yard.  I could buy a really awesome rifle to shoot at people who show up asking for favors.




3. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
I have this habit of turning my head to talk right about the time the glass is supposed to meet my lips, so it’s not unusual to see streaks of ice tea dumped down my shirt.  I tried a straw once and poked it right in my eye turning my head to talk, so straws are out.

4. Are you different now than you were 6 months ago?
My hair sorta grew…  Is this a trick question?  Like, do I have another arm or something?  Or did my IQ shoot up another hundred points?  Or maybe I discovered I can fling myself off buildings and fly?  I’ve lost 10 pounds since last year, which was surprising to realize.

5. Have you kissed anyone in the last three days?
It’s bad luck to kiss a duck.  I’ll let you find out why the hard way.

6. When was the last photograph you took?

This little guy was on my arm a few days ago.

7. Where were you last night around 9:30?
Please don’t ask me any stupid questions in this one.  I picked this survey because it said “unusual”.

8. What do you think of guys that wear eyeliner?
I can’t get Scott to try it.  I’ve pointed out all the news people and actors who wear it, but he still thinks it will instantly neuter him.  I like eyeliner on guys.

9. How many hours did you sleep last night?
Dang it, stick to “unusual”, or I’m going to lose my temper.

10. Whats on your Mp3 player?
You assume I have an Mp3 player.  You must be a young’un.

11.Been in a fight?
I am the Steven Seagal of middle aged women.  At least in my head.

12. How was the last egg you ate prepared?

I could go into the culinary details, or I could leave you hanging.  Or I could gross you out with this.  How a Hen Lays Her Egg

13. Where did you last wear sunglasses?

Out in the sun?  I’m getting a little impatient over the decline in “unusual” in these questions.

14. Ever worn your underwear backwards?

You are such a dork for even asking this one.

15. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence.

I don’t think I’ve ever killed a survey maker this early in the survey.

16. Does it bother you when people put && before every sentence?
The aspie in me is asking what the heck you’re talking about.  &&?  Just for that-

Ampersand – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

17. What animal did you last pet or hold?

Spencer pecked me.  I think she was testing my hull integrity.

18. What was the last law you broke?
I shot a survey maker with an arrow.

19. What are you wearing?
Big stinkin’ ugly headphones because this kick ass awesome monitor doesn’t have any sound or phone jacks at all, so we had to plug these in to the back of the hard drive because it has a really long cord.  Great sound, though.  Oh, yeah, and a very thin nightgown that you can’t see because I’m a cruel tease.



20. What did you think of your last kiss?
Scott has good lips.

21. What was the last newspaper you read or skimmed?

Scott showed me a Pearls Before Swine that is totally me.

22. What was the last thing written on your hand?
My youngest had this thing about writing on herself, and it wasn’t uncommon during kindergarten to find her covered head to toe in long streaks of ink or permanent marker.  She’s 20 now and very particular about looking nice, so I really don’t see that any more.  Whatever winds up on my hand is accidental.  If it spells anything, it’s probably in Farsi, and since I can’t read Farsi, I have no idea what it says.

23. What was the last hair product you used?
*dumping shampoo on survey maker*

24?  Oh, 24, where are you?  Wow, this is *soooo* a sign from the heavens to put some funny Jack Bauer vids here…

25. What was the last medication you took?
I’m loaded on vicodin.  Actually, this is the first time I’ve had a full dose (one whole pill) in nearly a year.  I’m allergic to everything from ibuprofen to lyrica, so I’m allowed to be strictly monitored on narcotics.  I usually take half a pill twice a day, far below amounts taken by other people for similar spinal pain, because I have a huge phobia over pills (thanx to all the bad med reactions I’ve had), and I really hate the way they make me feel goofy.  Here’s a true story.

I know this woman named Patty, my age.  We were retailing together when I first met her about ten years ago.  At the time she was completely dependent on kidney dialysis and had a ‘button’ she had to plug into every night while she slept.  I’d seen it, because she worried about if it showed under her clothes, and she’d have me go in the bathroom with her and check.  I think her kidneys shut down from a drug overdose, but by the time I met her, she was off the drugs and on tons of meds.  I let her bum vicodin and several other meds off me all the time.  I was a walking pharmacy.  She also hurt her back really bad (gosh, NOW I know what that feels like) and was popping three vicodins at a time just to keep working, and if she had any med questions she came to me, because I was really up on my med info.  I knew what not to put together, what to leap frog every two hours, how much she could get away with, because I’d been on handfuls of meds for over a decade myself.  She was pending for back surgery, and I supplied her for doubling up, because of all things, they put her in housewares and domestics, which is really heavy work.  She even lost a finger handling freight.  Here she was about as disabled as they come, pulling off Wonder Woman, so management never believed her, and they tried their best to drive her to quit.  She was ornery as hell and managed to ‘pull it off’, and I totally respected her.

We were kinda strange together.  She actually didn’t like me at all, but my dept. was adjacent to hers, so I saw her all the time.  She confronted me many times about whatever, threatened to hurt me, etc, and honestly, I liked her.  I thought she was cool, pretty much the other half of my quiet side, and I always let it roll off.  I figured she had enough to deal with without me getting uppity about my feelings being hurt or anything, and besides, retail is a tough world.  We had 150 employees round the clock from dock to checkout, and most of us didn’t like each other, so no big deal.  Anyway, after we both left the store, I’ve run into her several times, always working hard, sometimes looking like hell.  She once went into this total iron poisoning from some med she was on, and had big sores all over her face.  When I was at Social Security last fall applying for disability, she was there, too, looked at least 15-20 years older than me, still on heavy meds and using a cane, still trying to work.  I guess she’s made it through it all, but was the sacrifice worth it?  She’s not even 50 yet.  She looks over 60.  She aged so much just in the last ten years since I first met her, it was hard not to stare at her.  We sat and talked like we were old friends yapping about stuff, but it was very brief and surreal, mostly just catching up with all the jobs we’d had and the medical conditions we’d gone through and then they called her name.
I could do that.  I could just keep popping handfuls of pills and keep going.  I could keep destroying my body while nobody around me believes I’m really in so much pain because I’m super human.  I can destroy my liver and kidneys on medications and wind up with a cane or a walker before I’m 55.  I can keep it all together and shorten my life span by a good 20 years.

Or I can break my pills in half and take proper care of myself and keep the rest of my body healthy, even though the pain sux.

We live in a strange world.  We feel guilty if we don’t work hard, because that’s the American way.  We feel paranoid about pain and death and pop pills like candy, because that’s the thing to do nowadays.  We let everyone else dictate what is right and good and fear to ask the questions and find our own answers because our society is lost in the information age and mysticism, and even modern religion and science are big scary machines to people who feel alone in their houses and apartments.  The only sure thing in our worlds is that white sales come in January after the big after Christmas sales, and that Progressive.com is there to compare prices for us.  We don’t know any more how to just relax and take a day off and not do anything.

Which seems to be what my life is all about now.  The art of doing very little.  And sharing what I’ve learned.

26. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Me, actually.  I had one of those depressing realizations that this time last year I was looking forward to stuff getting better because I thought it sucked *then*, and everything just went downhill from there over the next year, and I had to laugh at how idiotic it is to try to be optimistic.  Silly me!!!    I know better than that!  Expect the worst, and then when it doesn’t happen, your day (or year) is going pretty good, right?  It probably helped that I was on the vicodin, because I really did giggle.

27. To what song did you last sing along to?

A commercial, because it annoyed Scott.    

28. What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?
Youtube.  Dang, I’ve made it nearly to the end without actually killing the survey maker…  I must have forgotten.

30. What’s the last good thing you read?

Who cares?  More importantly, what happened to #29?  Let’s enjoy some unusual youtubes made by awesome fans who knew I’d need entertainment at 3 a.m.  For some reason, these really crack me up. :edit: Sorry, the server migration wiped those codes, no clue what I had put here. How about one of my fave little Jack Bauer ditties.