1. To whom did you last give the finger?
When I was growing up my mom said it’s not polite to point, so I use my elbow. With my sunglasses on, it kinda looks like I’m undercover when I do that. I am much cooler doing it than anything you are imagining right now.
2. If you had 1,000,000 dollars what would you buy?
I don’t know. I mean, you’ve gotta have a million in collateral just to apply for a Sonic franchise (betcha didn’t know that, eh?), so it’s not like I could really flaunt it or anything. And I hate shopping. Maybe I could be a rich hermit living in squalor with chickens in my yard. I could buy a really awesome rifle to shoot at people who show up asking for favors.
3. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
I have this habit of turning my head to talk right about the time the glass is supposed to meet my lips, so it’s not unusual to see streaks of ice tea dumped down my shirt. I tried a straw once and poked it right in my eye turning my head to talk, so straws are out.
4. Are you different now than you were 6 months ago?
My hair sorta grew… Is this a trick question? Like, do I have another arm or something? Or did my IQ shoot up another hundred points? Or maybe I discovered I can fling myself off buildings and fly? I’ve lost 10 pounds since last year, which was surprising to realize.
5. Have you kissed anyone in the last three days?
It’s bad luck to kiss a duck. I’ll let you find out why the hard way.
6. When was the last photograph you took?
This little guy was on my arm a few days ago.
7. Where were you last night around 9:30?
Please don’t ask me any stupid questions in this one. I picked this survey because it said “unusual”.
Please don’t ask me any stupid questions in this one. I picked this survey because it said “unusual”.
8. What do you think of guys that wear eyeliner?
I can’t get Scott to try it. I’ve pointed out all the news people and actors who wear it, but he still thinks it will instantly neuter him. I like eyeliner on guys.
I can’t get Scott to try it. I’ve pointed out all the news people and actors who wear it, but he still thinks it will instantly neuter him. I like eyeliner on guys.
9. How many hours did you sleep last night?
Dang it, stick to “unusual”, or I’m going to lose my temper.
Dang it, stick to “unusual”, or I’m going to lose my temper.
10. Whats on your Mp3 player?
You assume I have an Mp3 player. You must be a young’un.
You assume I have an Mp3 player. You must be a young’un.
11.Been in a fight?
I am the Steven Seagal of middle aged women. At least in my head.
I am the Steven Seagal of middle aged women. At least in my head.
12. How was the last egg you ate prepared?
I could go into the culinary details, or I could leave you hanging. Or I could gross you out with this. How a Hen Lays Her Egg
13. Where did you last wear sunglasses?
Out in the sun? I’m getting a little impatient over the decline in “unusual” in these questions.
14. Ever worn your underwear backwards?
You are such a dork for even asking this one.
15. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence.
I don’t think I’ve ever killed a survey maker this early in the survey.
16. Does it bother you when people put && before every sentence?
The aspie in me is asking what the heck you’re talking about. &&? Just for that-
The aspie in me is asking what the heck you’re talking about. &&? Just for that-
17. What animal did you last pet or hold?
Spencer pecked me. I think she was testing my hull integrity.
18. What was the last law you broke?
I shot a survey maker with an arrow.
I shot a survey maker with an arrow.
19. What are you wearing?
Big stinkin’ ugly headphones because this kick ass awesome monitor doesn’t have any sound or phone jacks at all, so we had to plug these in to the back of the hard drive because it has a really long cord. Great sound, though. Oh, yeah, and a very thin nightgown that you can’t see because I’m a cruel tease.
20. What did you think of your last kiss?
Scott has good lips.
Big stinkin’ ugly headphones because this kick ass awesome monitor doesn’t have any sound or phone jacks at all, so we had to plug these in to the back of the hard drive because it has a really long cord. Great sound, though. Oh, yeah, and a very thin nightgown that you can’t see because I’m a cruel tease.
20. What did you think of your last kiss?
Scott has good lips.
21. What was the last newspaper you read or skimmed?
Scott showed me a Pearls Before Swine that is totally me.
22. What was the last thing written on your hand?
My youngest had this thing about writing on herself, and it wasn’t uncommon during kindergarten to find her covered head to toe in long streaks of ink or permanent marker. She’s 20 now and very particular about looking nice, so I really don’t see that any more. Whatever winds up on my hand is accidental. If it spells anything, it’s probably in Farsi, and since I can’t read Farsi, I have no idea what it says.
My youngest had this thing about writing on herself, and it wasn’t uncommon during kindergarten to find her covered head to toe in long streaks of ink or permanent marker. She’s 20 now and very particular about looking nice, so I really don’t see that any more. Whatever winds up on my hand is accidental. If it spells anything, it’s probably in Farsi, and since I can’t read Farsi, I have no idea what it says.
23. What was the last hair product you used?
*dumping shampoo on survey maker*
*dumping shampoo on survey maker*
24? Oh, 24, where are you? Wow, this is *soooo* a sign from the heavens to put some funny Jack Bauer vids here…
25. What was the last medication you took?
I’m loaded on vicodin. Actually, this is the first time I’ve had a full dose (one whole pill) in nearly a year. I’m allergic to everything from ibuprofen to lyrica, so I’m allowed to be strictly monitored on narcotics. I usually take half a pill twice a day, far below amounts taken by other people for similar spinal pain, because I have a huge phobia over pills (thanx to all the bad med reactions I’ve had), and I really hate the way they make me feel goofy. Here’s a true story.
I know this woman named Patty, my age. We were retailing together when I first met her about ten years ago. At the time she was completely dependent on kidney dialysis and had a ‘button’ she had to plug into every night while she slept. I’d seen it, because she worried about if it showed under her clothes, and she’d have me go in the bathroom with her and check. I think her kidneys shut down from a drug overdose, but by the time I met her, she was off the drugs and on tons of meds. I let her bum vicodin and several other meds off me all the time. I was a walking pharmacy. She also hurt her back really bad (gosh, NOW I know what that feels like) and was popping three vicodins at a time just to keep working, and if she had any med questions she came to me, because I was really up on my med info. I knew what not to put together, what to leap frog every two hours, how much she could get away with, because I’d been on handfuls of meds for over a decade myself. She was pending for back surgery, and I supplied her for doubling up, because of all things, they put her in housewares and domestics, which is really heavy work. She even lost a finger handling freight. Here she was about as disabled as they come, pulling off Wonder Woman, so management never believed her, and they tried their best to drive her to quit. She was ornery as hell and managed to ‘pull it off’, and I totally respected her.
We were kinda strange together. She actually didn’t like me at all, but my dept. was adjacent to hers, so I saw her all the time. She confronted me many times about whatever, threatened to hurt me, etc, and honestly, I liked her. I thought she was cool, pretty much the other half of my quiet side, and I always let it roll off. I figured she had enough to deal with without me getting uppity about my feelings being hurt or anything, and besides, retail is a tough world. We had 150 employees round the clock from dock to checkout, and most of us didn’t like each other, so no big deal. Anyway, after we both left the store, I’ve run into her several times, always working hard, sometimes looking like hell. She once went into this total iron poisoning from some med she was on, and had big sores all over her face. When I was at Social Security last fall applying for disability, she was there, too, looked at least 15-20 years older than me, still on heavy meds and using a cane, still trying to work. I guess she’s made it through it all, but was the sacrifice worth it? She’s not even 50 yet. She looks over 60. She aged so much just in the last ten years since I first met her, it was hard not to stare at her. We sat and talked like we were old friends yapping about stuff, but it was very brief and surreal, mostly just catching up with all the jobs we’d had and the medical conditions we’d gone through and then they called her name.
I could do that. I could just keep popping handfuls of pills and keep going. I could keep destroying my body while nobody around me believes I’m really in so much pain because I’m super human. I can destroy my liver and kidneys on medications and wind up with a cane or a walker before I’m 55. I can keep it all together and shorten my life span by a good 20 years.
Or I can break my pills in half and take proper care of myself and keep the rest of my body healthy, even though the pain sux.
We live in a strange world. We feel guilty if we don’t work hard, because that’s the American way. We feel paranoid about pain and death and pop pills like candy, because that’s the thing to do nowadays. We let everyone else dictate what is right and good and fear to ask the questions and find our own answers because our society is lost in the information age and mysticism, and even modern religion and science are big scary machines to people who feel alone in their houses and apartments. The only sure thing in our worlds is that white sales come in January after the big after Christmas sales, and that Progressive.com is there to compare prices for us. We don’t know any more how to just relax and take a day off and not do anything.
Which seems to be what my life is all about now. The art of doing very little. And sharing what I’ve learned.
26. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Me, actually. I had one of those depressing realizations that this time last year I was looking forward to stuff getting better because I thought it sucked *then*, and everything just went downhill from there over the next year, and I had to laugh at how idiotic it is to try to be optimistic. Silly me!!!
I know better than that! Expect the worst, and then when it doesn’t happen, your day (or year) is going pretty good, right? It probably helped that I was on the vicodin, because I really did giggle.
27. To what song did you last sing along to?
A commercial, because it annoyed Scott. 
28. What was the last musical instrument played in your presence?
Youtube. Dang, I’ve made it nearly to the end without actually killing the survey maker… I must have forgotten.
Youtube. Dang, I’ve made it nearly to the end without actually killing the survey maker… I must have forgotten.
30. What’s the last good thing you read?
Who cares? More importantly, what happened to #29? Let’s enjoy some unusual youtubes made by awesome fans who knew I’d need entertainment at 3 a.m. For some reason, these really crack me up. :edit: Sorry, the server migration wiped those codes, no clue what I had put here. How about one of my fave little Jack Bauer ditties.
