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Thursday, October 23, 2014

The ‘Hard To Answer’ Questions – Survey

Originally posted on 9-14-12.

A relative just commited a very serious crime, do you turn them in?
I’d like to pause and thank everyone who knows where I live for not turning me in. Defining ‘serious crime’ is another matter.

Your lover of 10 years has cheated on you, do you stay or go?
If ownership of a house is involved, you do NOT leave the house or you forfeit the right to get back in if the locks get changed. I heard this from a lawyer on a radio talk show.

How do you hope you will die?
I do not hope I will die… good lord. Wonder how many people fall for this question.

Are you affraid of dying?
I have had the opportunity to find this out a few times, and I think it’s more like being upset about the thought of having to leave before I’m done. I found that very upsetting, like some kind of epic fail or something. Part of my brain is arguing that this is the same thing, but I think fear of actual death is separate apart from emotional attachments or entanglements that get severed.

Recall your worst nightmare, what was it about?
Is this metaphorical, or actual? Because metaphorically, my worst nightmare would be finding out that this world isn’t the real one after all, and every time I wake up in this world is me really being trapped in it. Funny how often I feel trapped here anyway.

Your best friend makes a move on your lover, how do you handle that?
With the grace and aplomb of laughing my head off, and then snickering the rest of the day.

If there were a fountain of youth, would you drink from it?
My luck I’d wind up looking like I was 13, which was about my most awkward year ever.

If a magic potion could make someone love you, would you slip it to them?
I think about this sometimes, because I really like a show called Legend of the Seeker, and I wonder what it would really be like to be a confessor and have slaves simpering around me wanting to please me all the time. I’d *hate* it. If I slipped someone a love potion and they simpered over me, I’d get fed up so fast I’d probably have them doing stuff like cleaning out my chicken house just so they’d leave me alone.

What if a potion could make your enemy miserable?
Stuff like that has such an ironic way of backfiring, I think I’d be super cautious about it. Besides, I’ve already been an evil villain. It wears thin, all that bwahahaing all the time.

You’re in the woods, alone, at night…are you honestly not afraid?
I live in the woods. I’m not afraid of the woods. The key is to hold a stick up in front of your face so you don’t walk face first into one of those big spider webs.

If your bf/gf had to move out of state, would you leave your family?
I can’t tell you how much I wish we’d actually moved away like that. Family is vastly overrated after the umpteenth holiday season.

And if you had to move, could you leave your lover and family?
I had to move when I was 14. It sucked.

You’re never going to see your lover again, what’s do need them to know?
I’m trying to imagine the distraction that created this kind of mangled question. Scott is already telling people that if anything happens to me he’ll die, because I do all the cooking and laundry, so I guess I’d better leave him a detailed list of how to do everything.

An envelope is on the ground, it’s full of money. Do you keep it?
I think that would be preferable to possibly a dog finding it. I think the better question here is do I look carefully around to see whether anyone is watching me pick it up.

You wittness a crime, do you call the police or get involved in any way?
I usually yell out the window that if the cops show up, I’m leaving their butts. I’m usually the driver of a car full of nidiots.

Is abortion ever an option?
I accidentally broke an egg that a half done chick was in. I can’t even describe what it’s like to hold a tiny dying thing in your hand after you stupidly destroyed its only hope.

If you were drafted into the war, would you serve or try to avoid serving?
I would do everything in my power to get the cook’s job.

If you could say one thing to W. Bush right now what would it be?
Did your dad really mean it about the World Order coming?

Was the 9/11 attack planned by our own government?
Don’t be silly. I think it was Soros.

A parent confides in you that they are gay. Now how do you view gay rights?
My 80 something Mennonite father figuring out *now* that he’s gay, that’s funny. I have no problem with gay rights.

A loved one on life support for years, could you finally let them go?
That is a hellish way to live, for both of us. I don’t think there is going to be such a thing as ‘life support for years’ not far in the future.

You are on life support, what would you want a loved one to do about it?
I can see Ed Grimley angsting about something like this, but I just can’t get worked up.

A friend just fell over a very high bridge, do you jump to save them?
How in the world can I save someone doing that??? (I know, “over” a bridge…?) (I’m sure the survey creator was thinking about over the edge instead of off of. I think this person is distracted by the tv or something.)

If you honestly were abducted by aliens, would you have the never to tell?
I assume the survey creator meant to write ‘the nerve to tell’. If I were abducted by aliens, I would beg them to take me through that weird dimension where they have to put your consciousness into another body. That’s a thing, I ran into that.
Perhaps the survey creator is actually an alien, and this survey is bait… No, I don’t really read books like that, I just run into them on the internet. Those weren’t the ones I was looking for, the ones I wanted to find were actually even weirder.

You’ve contracted a deadly disease, how would you live your life therafter?
I’d clean my house. There is no bigger drag than cleaning out a house after someone has died, at least for me. I can’t imagine someone else having to clean up after me. Well, maybe I could hide money everywhere, that would make it more fun.

Your child has only awhile to live, do you still enroll them in school?
NO, are you crazy? Unless the kid *wants* to go to school so they can still be around other kids and things to do, otherwise,… Ok, I actually know a parent who did that just because they didn’t know what else to do having the kid around the house. Stuff like this obviously upsets me, doesn’t it? I was ignored a lot as a child. I have special feelings for children who grow up ignored and have to deal with big stuff all by themselves.

How would you feel if you met your idol and they ended up being rude?
Stephen Hawking can get away with being rude all he wants to, I love him anyway.

According to the tale, was Eve wrong for eating and sharing the apple?
I used to argue as a child that God set them up to fail, and other people argued back that He did that on purpose because it was the Only Way, and then we’d get into bigger arguments over what The Ultimate Plan really is. However, I really like C.S. Lewis’ Space Trilogy.

If the only way to pay a ransom was to commit a crime, would you?
If you knew the above books, you would see how ironic and synchronous this question is coming right after I wrote that, because I just now saw this question. The main character is named Ransom, and the crimes involved are humanity committing crimes against other beings in the cosmos by proxy of another kind of being altogether, a nice play on the ‘crimes against humanity’ sort of thinking.

Think of who you love most, and describe them in one word…
Beautiful.

Of all the surveys I’ve done over the years, I think this was the most enjoyable.