I cannot say enough about hot chocolate. Bliss in a mug when nothing else in the world can reach through that titanium wall of pain. I feel like my pain is almost visible, like a force field around my body, as if I were a Star Fleet ship.
Today, I drive to therapy completely wasted out of my skull. I can't stand this. If I don't drug up, I'll be shaky and white and probably make far more drastic driving errors than I would bombed out of my mind. When I get back home again later I'll post again, because one or two of you might worry if I don't... Which I appreciate. You don't have to let me know how scary I sound, and if you saw the highway I have to drive down you'd turn white yourselves. But if I don't get to therapy and get some relief, I'm going to curl up in a ball and have a VERY bad day.
The antibiotic is making my stomach hurt so bad. 
I can barely sit here. I could only sleep in two hour batches last night, and that only twice. It's hard to concentrate on my book, but easy to do the dishes like I'm trying to race away from my own body somehow.
I can barely sit here. I could only sleep in two hour batches last night, and that only twice. It's hard to concentrate on my book, but easy to do the dishes like I'm trying to race away from my own body somehow.
In about 20 minutes I'll be floating, and this part will once again be a foggy memory. In the meantime, hot chocolate is my best friend in the whole world.
Made it home in one piece, yay! Going to bed.
:edit: Ok, this is roughly about 2 hours and 15 minutes later. I'll just add to this one.
First of all, they got after me for not icing down when my back is killing me, so right now I'm sitting here with an ice pack. I'm not fond of ice packs at all, but ok. I do have to admit, it does help.
Woke up just in time to take more antibiotic, vicodin, and librax, so I naturally had to eat again with it, and my stomach is REALLY crabby with me. All I could get down was a bowl of cheerios with a little milk. I had taken naproxen in the car with a little jug of chocolate milk before I came home, and then made myself eat some real lunch (burrito) before I crashed, so I woke up to about 798 billion intestinal cells having some kind of riot with all their little picket signs, throwing their little hardhats around in disgust, generally disturbing the peace. I think their demands include upending an entire bottle of acidophilus into my gut in one go, but I keep telling them the little buggers are just going to be killed off by the antiobiotic anyway, I can't just send them to their deaths like that. So far there hasn't been any real marching in the streets or anything, although at this point I'd almost be relieved to be stuck in the bathroom for a little while, if they do decide to just boink it all and do the angry mob thing. I'm not sure exactly which med is responsible for all this dang bloating, maybe several of them, but I know better than to double up on the librax, even though the bottle says I can. I already look pregnant and have put on ten pounds now from the prednisone, can you imagine putting the entire snake in there to SLEEP? There is no way in hell or high water I'm going back to the ER because I'm eating librax like candy and shutting down my entire digestive system. I'm shocked the bottle even suggests that.
It's kind of funny if you think about it. What are you hooked on? Meth. And what are you hooked on? Alcohol and bong hits. And how about you? Vicodin and librax, doc, and you gotta help me poop, man, I'm dyin'.....
Yeah, there's no way I'm going in there for THAT. I'll just have to tolerate the little picket signs and keep pushing the fiber. I have limits to what sort of pride I'll chunk out the door in the name of pain.
That concludes the real life stuff. I'd like to reassure everyone that I'm much healthier now, pain levels are way down compared to back then, and I'm off most of the meds and functioning pretty well around my home. There really is hope when the world sux, but sometimes it takes a lot of time to get stuff figured out and straightened out. Please don't give up hope. If I can come back to a functional life from several years of nearly complete immobility, excruciating pain, agonizing depression, and severe brain fog, I believe we all can, but we've got to be willing to let go of our self destructions. At the time, my diabetes wasn't as yet diagnosed and I didn't know I was complicating my autoimmune problems and healing from a herniated disc with my carb-rich diet.
The reason I shared that here is to help readers understand the importance of developing a good habit of positive distraction for psychological health during long-term illness. Putting words together is a great coping strategy for me. No matter how difficult your situation might be, if you can put your mind to a distraction, you CAN get through it. This is what Surveypalooza is all about.
This survey was originally posted on 8-8-07 on a private blog. I felt too ill that week to include links and vids, as per my usual.
50 ODD Things about you! (This came with skipped numbers, so it's not 50. I suspect alcohol was involved with either the survey creator or the previous filler-outer because the skipping is so outrageous.)
1. What's your number #1 priority?
Food. Looking in the fridge for something good. Finding cheese and melting it on a burrito. Thinking about how good cashews would be on a pile of Chinese food. Making a hot egg sandwich on toast. Remembering the last time I had lamb chops and drooling. Reading how to cook a possum from an ancient recipe book my mom received for a wedding gift. Wondering if I could make a really good quiche from scratch. Deciding that it would be awesome to roast a turkey sometime, instead of waiting for Thanksgiving. Picturing what it must have been like to roast a goose back in Dickens' time. Thanking God I don't have to literally go out and butcher an old hen for Sunday dinner nowadays. Watching the Food Channel. Melting slices of snicker bar and marshmallow onto a graham cracker in the microwave. Eating a good cheese ball. Why do I think about and appreciate food so much? Because I have such a hard time eating it. I was born with severe digestive difficulties. I spent the first 8 years of my life on Donnatal, an anti-spasmodic. I've spent half my adult life on Librax. It literally hurts to eat. When I CAN eat, I enjoy food more than you can possibly imagine.
2. What is your favorite possession?
My pet chicken, my lawn chair, and a long handled spatula. Ok, so I pluralized it. Honestly, I'm so nonmaterialistic that I can't think of a single thing in or out of this house that I'd truly bemoan missing if the house burned down, because I'm so bad about laying something down and forgetting about it in the first place. I think I'd mourn getting a hole in my favorite sox more than anything.
3. Do you own a gun?
It's called a "salad shooter". I can pelt you with raw veggies in the face at 60 paces.
4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
Smooth move on the software creation... are you rich now?
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
THEY get nervous when they see me coming. I get anything I want.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Genius. Pure genius. The people who make hot dogs are a blessing to ball parks and theme parks and raceways everywhere.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Homemade hot chocolate from a recipe I invented and took years to perfect.
9. Can you do push ups?
I push the guide up and down all the time with the remote.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
My tub sparkles and still looks brand new after 14 years, thanx to Scott. And I still have my original kitchen trash can, too. I believe in the power of Windex on all surfaces after they've reached a certain level of crustiness.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
That earring broke a long time ago. I still mourn. It was a long dangly lapis star and moon with gold beads.
12. Do you take painkillers?
They take ME. Ask me a better question, like how high my pain tolerance is compared to the general public, and why Paris Hilton takes more vicodin for cramps than I do for lupus flareups around disk bulges.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
They have to be lured? Funny, I didn't realize that. I thought they sort of more like have to be peeled off.
14. Do you have A.D.D.? [Attention Deficit Disorder]?
Better yet, I'm aspie. Challenge me with something a little less fundamental and fashionable. I own a Geek Squad t-shirt.
15. What's your name?
My 'Indian' name is currently Up Late Folding Laundry For Desperate Teenage Daughter.
16. Middle Name?
Falling Asleep In This Chair While I Wait For The Dryer To Buzz. (FAITCWIWFTDTB for short.)
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. I should have taken sploit up on that offer for a back rub before she went to bed.
2. I could be watching youtubes.
3. How many more of these things do I have to go? 38? Will I make it? Ok, no, we took a vote, and it's pretty clear I'd better go to bed with the rest of my cells or there will be a big mess to clean up from the strikers taking off on me.
Food. Looking in the fridge for something good. Finding cheese and melting it on a burrito. Thinking about how good cashews would be on a pile of Chinese food. Making a hot egg sandwich on toast. Remembering the last time I had lamb chops and drooling. Reading how to cook a possum from an ancient recipe book my mom received for a wedding gift. Wondering if I could make a really good quiche from scratch. Deciding that it would be awesome to roast a turkey sometime, instead of waiting for Thanksgiving. Picturing what it must have been like to roast a goose back in Dickens' time. Thanking God I don't have to literally go out and butcher an old hen for Sunday dinner nowadays. Watching the Food Channel. Melting slices of snicker bar and marshmallow onto a graham cracker in the microwave. Eating a good cheese ball. Why do I think about and appreciate food so much? Because I have such a hard time eating it. I was born with severe digestive difficulties. I spent the first 8 years of my life on Donnatal, an anti-spasmodic. I've spent half my adult life on Librax. It literally hurts to eat. When I CAN eat, I enjoy food more than you can possibly imagine.
2. What is your favorite possession?
My pet chicken, my lawn chair, and a long handled spatula. Ok, so I pluralized it. Honestly, I'm so nonmaterialistic that I can't think of a single thing in or out of this house that I'd truly bemoan missing if the house burned down, because I'm so bad about laying something down and forgetting about it in the first place. I think I'd mourn getting a hole in my favorite sox more than anything.
3. Do you own a gun?
It's called a "salad shooter". I can pelt you with raw veggies in the face at 60 paces.
4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
Smooth move on the software creation... are you rich now?
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
THEY get nervous when they see me coming. I get anything I want.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Genius. Pure genius. The people who make hot dogs are a blessing to ball parks and theme parks and raceways everywhere.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Homemade hot chocolate from a recipe I invented and took years to perfect.
9. Can you do push ups?
I push the guide up and down all the time with the remote.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
My tub sparkles and still looks brand new after 14 years, thanx to Scott. And I still have my original kitchen trash can, too. I believe in the power of Windex on all surfaces after they've reached a certain level of crustiness.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
That earring broke a long time ago. I still mourn. It was a long dangly lapis star and moon with gold beads.
12. Do you take painkillers?
They take ME. Ask me a better question, like how high my pain tolerance is compared to the general public, and why Paris Hilton takes more vicodin for cramps than I do for lupus flareups around disk bulges.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
They have to be lured? Funny, I didn't realize that. I thought they sort of more like have to be peeled off.
14. Do you have A.D.D.? [Attention Deficit Disorder]?
Better yet, I'm aspie. Challenge me with something a little less fundamental and fashionable. I own a Geek Squad t-shirt.
15. What's your name?
My 'Indian' name is currently Up Late Folding Laundry For Desperate Teenage Daughter.
16. Middle Name?
Falling Asleep In This Chair While I Wait For The Dryer To Buzz. (FAITCWIWFTDTB for short.)
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. I should have taken sploit up on that offer for a back rub before she went to bed.
2. I could be watching youtubes.
3. How many more of these things do I have to go? 38? Will I make it? Ok, no, we took a vote, and it's pretty clear I'd better go to bed with the rest of my cells or there will be a big mess to clean up from the strikers taking off on me.
~~~~~~~~~~~
(Two hours later, up for pain pills.)
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought recently?
1. A cantaloupe.
2. Doctorial services. (copay)
3. A birthday card for my sister.
1. A cantaloupe.
2. Doctorial services. (copay)
3. A birthday card for my sister.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
1. The above-mentioned hot chocolate. OH so good.
1. The above-mentioned hot chocolate. OH so good.
2. Homemade limeades. Juice from 1/2 a lime and a small bottle of sprite. OH so good.
3. Homemade ice tea from those little Lipton tea bags, not the big ones, just a dash of sugar. OH so good.
3. Homemade ice tea from those little Lipton tea bags, not the big ones, just a dash of sugar. OH so good.
22. Current worry?
Dang, only TWO hours of sleep this time... Sure hope I get back to bed soon, this sux.
Dang, only TWO hours of sleep this time... Sure hope I get back to bed soon, this sux.
23. Current hate?
*Brain screeches to halt as I search for something I hate.* Oh, yeah, child rapists/murderers. Too bad we've done away with drawing and quartering, burning at the stake, and generally gouging eyes out and chopping hands off.
*Brain screeches to halt as I search for something I hate.* Oh, yeah, child rapists/murderers. Too bad we've done away with drawing and quartering, burning at the stake, and generally gouging eyes out and chopping hands off.
24. Favorite place to be?
In my body. I know, I know, it hurts a lot and we don't always agree on things, but in the end, I'm always glad I'm in here and not booted out just yet.
In my body. I know, I know, it hurts a lot and we don't always agree on things, but in the end, I'm always glad I'm in here and not booted out just yet.
25. How did you bring in the New Year?
I wasn't aware I was the one who brought it in... *looking around* Oh. Well, then, I guess it's all my fault. Sorry about that, folks.
I wasn't aware I was the one who brought it in... *looking around* Oh. Well, then, I guess it's all my fault. Sorry about that, folks.
26. Where would you like to go?
BACK TO BED.
Ok, I'll think of something 'real'. Um, I'd like to be able to go to Panama City again, definitely in off season, of course, and do some more shopping and ocean hanging-outing.
BACK TO BED.
Ok, I'll think of something 'real'. Um, I'd like to be able to go to Panama City again, definitely in off season, of course, and do some more shopping and ocean hanging-outing.
27. Do you own slippers?
I'm down to one pair. The big colorful turkey slippers finally bit the dust.
I'm down to one pair. The big colorful turkey slippers finally bit the dust.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
A really old faded tie-dye that looks like a few Easter eggs met untimely deaths.
A really old faded tie-dye that looks like a few Easter eggs met untimely deaths.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Royal blue LED lights.
Royal blue LED lights.
31. Would you be a pirate?
They used to call us hackers.
They used to call us hackers.
32. Are you gay?
Aside from letting Scott touch me, I'm asexual, and if that bothers you (that really does bother people, it's so weird), then maybe you are a-phobic. Ha, I am so funny.
Aside from letting Scott touch me, I'm asexual, and if that bothers you (that really does bother people, it's so weird), then maybe you are a-phobic. Ha, I am so funny.
33. Do you sing in the shower?
We are all glad I do not sing in the shower, but no one can stop me singing everywhere else.
We are all glad I do not sing in the shower, but no one can stop me singing everywhere else.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child.?
A garbage truck. I had a nightmare about a garbage truck when I was about 3 that sticks with me to this day.
A garbage truck. I had a nightmare about a garbage truck when I was about 3 that sticks with me to this day.
35. What's in your pockets right now?
I'd love to say money, but alas, I'm not having pockets at the moment.
I'd love to say money, but alas, I'm not having pockets at the moment.
37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Clean. I don't recall ever having theme sheets. I nearly fell over the first time I saw a kid's room with themed sheets and curtains and wallpaper and stuff.
Clean. I don't recall ever having theme sheets. I nearly fell over the first time I saw a kid's room with themed sheets and curtains and wallpaper and stuff.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Being flipped out of a car window during an accident. It hurt.
Being flipped out of a car window during an accident. It hurt.
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I think Scott really likes me sometimes.
I think Scott really likes me sometimes.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
I'm never outside long enough anymore to see shooting stars, but I will tell you this. One time I saw one coming RIGHT AT ME while I was driving. I'm sure it never made it real close, but I watched it burn up and disappear and was really unnerved the rest of the day.
I'm never outside long enough anymore to see shooting stars, but I will tell you this. One time I saw one coming RIGHT AT ME while I was driving. I'm sure it never made it real close, but I watched it burn up and disappear and was really unnerved the rest of the day.
45. What's your favorite book?
All-time fave-- Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett.
All-time fave-- Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett.
46. What's your favorite candy?
I'm not a big candy person, but I do head straight for the Cadbury eggs when they are in season.
I'm not a big candy person, but I do head straight for the Cadbury eggs when they are in season.
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
We just ran off and got hitched, no family, no song. Didn't think we could take the headache the second time around for both of us.
We just ran off and got hitched, no family, no song. Didn't think we could take the headache the second time around for both of us.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
"I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead" by Weird Al.
"I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead" by Weird Al.
49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
I swear I have an alibi, just let me sit here and think one up, ok?
I swear I have an alibi, just let me sit here and think one up, ok?
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Already? It's 4 in the morning, dang. And I'll never get back to sleep, so I may as well just frickin get up again. And tonight we're going Already? It's 2:30 in the morning, dang. But maybe I'll get back to sleep after I get another pain pill in me this time. And more benadryl.
Already? It's 4 in the morning, dang. And I'll never get back to sleep, so I may as well just frickin get up again. And tonight we're going Already? It's 2:30 in the morning, dang. But maybe I'll get back to sleep after I get another pain pill in me this time. And more benadryl.
Again, sorry no fun links, pix, or vids, but I've especially had this one on my mind all week. Hugs to all of you, hang in there, you can do this.
