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Friday, October 17, 2014

stupid question survey

Originally posted on 5-30-09.

By taking this survey you are up for some pretty stupid questions, ready?
I thrive on the stupidity of survey creators.

the sun is shining, the birds are singing, are you smiling? 
The sun is NOT shining, the birds are NOT singing, and I’m smirking.  You need not know why.

if you had to make 100 clones of someone who would it be and why?
I’d clone Dooney and make a lot of money selling organic free range eggs.

what do you think of hitlers tash?
Here we go, a survey maker with a ‘tude.

eric-cartman-120

have you ever made pink frosted cupcakes?
And pinkness.  We begin our survey maker psyche analysis– a neo-nazi female into pink and sugar and cloning.  We can only wonder where this will lead.

what song makes you go insanely happy?
And I’d lay odds she’s a bit wasted right now.

money money money, must be funny in a rich man’s world?
o-m-g.  This is Paris Hilton.

caterpillars, fascinating or ugly?
And quite tasty, depending on the country whose famine you are currently involved in.

do you know what bread abuse is?




what’s the best thing since sliced bread? 
We could debate the whole butter/peanut butter/ toasted sub thing, but I think we can all agree that *anything* since sliced bread is better.

would you ever eat a pixie?
Ha, my niece named her dog Pixie.  I suppose if the economy crashed and all else considered during impending starvation, one could put a Pixie on the grill.

everyone loves a bit of chocolate, what’s your favourite type?
Cocoa.  Add a few things, drink of the Mayan gods.  Don’t worry, I require no worship.

have you ever done the bend and snap?
Don’t EVER do this near an open dryer while you are folding clothes.  People will laugh.  You will die in spasms all over the floor.  It’s not pretty.

you’re a pickle, may i eat you?
Hang on, I’m trying to imagine me as a pickle.  *squinting real hard*  Dang, it’s just not working.  I think I’m more a squash or something.  Lemme guess, you don’t like squash.  You’ll probably leave me to rot on the counter.  –Hey, maybe Paris made this while she was pregnant!!!

do you have any slogan shirts? if yes, which is your favourite one?
After considerable thought, I would say my -Strong Bad- tee says it all.  A cartoon character is worth a thousand slogans.

sbcomp

who is your favourite f.r.i.e.n.d.s character? (mine’s chandler!)
That show is so last decade, dude.  I mean Paris.

drake and josh is awesome, right?
I’m kind of into Sam and Sock myself.

hllfrze

what’s the most exciting thing happening this year for you?
Wo, I almost fell for this one.  I’m being sucked into the survey, help, pull me away from the computer!!!

who is the most loveliest person?
Paris is doing a mirror, mirror on the wall thing.  And it’s ~mostest loveliest~.  NOT hard.  Try to get that one right next time.  I guess rich people don’t have to worry about education.

have you ever been to the circus and been disappointed by it?
There is nothing more disappointing that a vendor getting in the way just as a unicyclist on a tightrope nearly falls off on the audience and you miss it all during the big ~GASP~.

do you think ‘hate’ is too much of a BIG word? 
Too much of a big word…  Paris, you got me.  It IS too much of a big word.  See, that’s why clever people make the surveys.

do you always turn your frown upside down?
I hear you do it with magical *ahem* ‘medications’.

lick your lips like you want some sugar!! are you licking those lips?
~gag~  Ok, this is getting a little too real for me.  I’ve gotta stop getting sucked into these surveys like this.  Quick, somebody tell me how to purge Paris from my mind.  Make her stop, make her stooooppp…. ~weeping~

who’s the prettiest girl you know?
*broken down by the brainwashing*  You are Paris.  You are.

have you ever told her that you think she is pretty?
I will always tell you that you’re pretty, Paris.  *eyes on floor- monotone*

on msn/aim.. do you love crazy random conversations?
This is the first time I’ve been brainwashed.  I love crazy random conversations.  I love crazy random… I love…  ~weeping~


do you know what question number this is? 
Do you want me to count for you, Paris?  Oh, god, I feel like the devil got me!  The devil got me!  Oh, god, the devil is Paris Hilton!!!  *maniacally clawing the door*  –Wait… there’s– no door.  It was all in my head.  She’s not– really ~here~.

don’t you just love when a plan comes together?
It’s just a survey, it’s just a survey, walk away, it’s just a survey.  omg, I can’t walk away….

have you ever seen a movie in 3d, if yes, what movie?
# What?  I’m in the kitchen making cheese toast!  Can’t hear you! #

do you shake your tic tacs at people?
Congratulations!  You’ve just won our Original Question Prize!  I can just see me shaking tic tacs at people.  There would be a menacing shake accompanied by an evil eye.  There would be a jolly shake accompanied with a great big smile.  There would be the maraca shake with a full body dance spasm…

can you climb trees like a monkey smoking cocaine?
Some of the spiders up there get pretty big.

inspire me, think of the most random question ever and put it here please:
I once asked my mother if Jesus’ throne smells.  I had read a story about a throne surrounded by flowers.  My mom assumed I was asking if Jesus farts.  I got punished just for asking.  I’m not sure if you can get more random than that.  I have long since stopped trying to use words in ways that I hear them used and don’t understand.

do you wish king kong was real?
Are you ~insane~?  Oh, yeah, right, I forgot you were Paris.  You probably want some kind of weird attention and have this King Kong fantasy.

do you think he would give good hugs if he was gentle enough?
I’m sure all he’d have to do is breathe on you to knock you over.

do you know anyone who is anorexic?
~What?  This isn’t Paris?  Oh.~  Ladies and gentlemen, I owe you an apology.  The person making this survey ISN’T Paris Hilton.  My profound apologies for this mistake.

it’s really quite upsetting to see people like that, isn’t it?
Surveys are disturbing in themselves.  I’ll never forget the survey that practically confessed to not only witnessing a murder, but helping hide the body.

would you make way for noddy and big ears?
Sorry, I’m not a PBS kids show person.  I’ve been in denial ever since Captain Kangaroo got bumped for the news.

kangaroo 

have you ever been in a hot air balloon?
I’ve been in a basket that is tied to one, but I never got off the ground.  This survey is seriously missing some youtubes.




YouTube – hot air balloon crash– if you’re into this kind of stuff, people burning to death, etc.

have you ever made out with your bed?
I think someone is wasted, floating around, making out with their bed…

have you ever dressed up as a cop?
This is getting really boring.  See ya.

do you like to role play as any anime characters?
People who dress up as anime characters for conventions are so cute and awesome.  I think the coolest part of conventions is dressing up.

do you know the difference between star wars and star trek?
Yeah, George Lucas would never dream of selling out his franchise and allowing someone to turn Chewbacca into a punky tie-dyed dude with piercings and a spikey haircut just to connect with the younger generation after decades of loyal fans.  We can only wonder what will happen when he dies and some young director thinks it would be cool to take over and remake the whole Darth Vadar story. :edit: 10-17-14 O_o omg...

there’s a monster under your bed! do you look?
I haven’t looked under there in years.  There could be a whole civilization of monsters, I wouldn’t notice.

have you ever completed a jigsaw that had over 200 pieces?
*sigh*  I’m trying really hard to believe this really isn’t Paris, I really am.  ~Surely~ you meant “2000 pieces”, right?

what’s your current myspace/facebook profile song?
Not a clue.  I haven’t touched myspace in so long I keep forgetting I have one.

myspace is better than facebook, right? 
This is the atmosphere that sunk us into the last decade of bigger and bigger government without noticing until it was too late.

which is better, herbivores or carnivores?
Chickens.

have you ever been to a convention?
Have *I* ever been to a convention…  It’s sad and scary that I actually wound up being more famous at that convention than– oh, nevermind.  It still amazes me the way arch enemies can elevate me to super status so they can show the world they stepped on me to the point that me showing up on a message board grinds the globe to a breathless halt.  Seriously.  Ridiculous.

have you ever protested against something in public?
I’m a natural pointer outer of incongruency.  It’s a gift.

have you ever had to ask a stranger for money?
I can’t even imagine it.  I’ve gone out of my way to suffer silently in various forms so I could avoid that very thing.  I bet Paris never has to worry, people probably fall over her to serve.

have you ever lost your train ticket and cried?
We were surfing around the channel guide over Memorial Day weekend and noticed Twiggy Stardust was on, which I’ve never watched even though I’m at the very tail end of that nonsensical generation.  Scott pipes up with, “You know, I heard that David Bowie and Mick Jagger had sex together.”  For some reason, that statement has lent me a lot of thought.  I mean, to be remembered for something like ~that~.  For that to be the culmination of your statement in life.  I could care less who does whom, but it seems like having that kind of generational impact in our brains, two androgynous icons having sex, I can’t help but wonder if it was motivated more out of a sort of self adoration than anything else.  If sex can be a form of worship, is it weird that two ‘gods’ have sex with each other, not to worship the other, but to have the other worship himself?  Can people really get so wrapped up in themselves that just remembering who they are turns themselves on, and adoration is expected in response to that?  I’m trying to wrap my head around this weird sort of perversion, not because of the sex, but because of the sheer narcissism.  I suppose that was the closest either one could get to worshiping himself with sex.  I could ask Paris about that, maybe she’d know.

what is the most worthless fruit?
I’ve never thought to think of fruit in terms of worthlessness, even if I don’t like it.  What a novel idea, going out of my way to discuss my criticism of something that I could care less about.

have you ever danced with a scarf?
With a scarf ~on~, or with the scarf as a ~partner~?  Or with the scarf as one of those trailing ribbons like gymnasts use?  Can you please repeat the question?  It’s just that it’s so terribly significant.  Btw, I like scarves.

or how about a pair of neon green knee-high socks?
I wore bright yellow knee high sox in middle school in the 70′s.  Even back then neon green wasn’t cool.

indeed, because that’s natural, right?
It’s much more natural to frantically wave a Homer Hanky while you scream at the tv, but if you don’t have one, a tube sock will do.

Good Question: What Is The Homer Hanky’s History? 

would you win a arm wrestle against your best friend?
Even though he’d most likely win, Scott would be afraid to try.  >=)

what’s the most beautiful thing in the world?
Probably fruit that other people might think is worthless.  If we get quizzed at the Pearly Gates, that’s the answer I’m going with.

what was your last reason to cry?
I’m wondering what will be my next reason to cry.

have you ever been someone’s shoulder to cry on?
Now that my grown up kiddo is gone and married, I am having so many memories of walking the floor with her as a baby.  That instinct to comfort a tiny little cry of undefinable misery and sadness must be my gramma clock ticking.

did you know every 43 seconds someone attempts suicide? shocking, isn’t it?
Did you know I wrote a cool article on suicide?  Synchronicity, Suicide, and The Eyes

have you ever been so used by someone that you couldn’t face them again?
Ok, first the suicide question, now this.  WWPD?  (What Would Paris Do?)  I think Paris would handle a bad day by taking a sudden vacation to some tropical clime.  Rich people get to run away whenever they want.

you get caught eating dog food how do you plan to get out of it?
First of all, what brand?  Because if I’m gonna be caught eating it, I’d at least like to either look cool or be able to make a pun on the kind I’m eating, or even say it’s healthier than my regular meal, since it’s scientifically formulated.  Honestly, it’s scary that people will spend so much money feeding their dogs healthier than themselves.

if the sky turned yellow, what would you think?
Biological or chemical weapons in the atmosphere, or what the heck explosion or volcano went off?  One must be able to discern the difference between nearly instant death and long slow death within seconds, so one can race around uselessly closing windows.

do you know anyone over the age of 14 of which still believes in santa?
I’m curious about why you picked the age of 14…

have you ever planted your own tree? 
I am surrounded by woods…  I have to keep reminding myself these survey makers ~literally~ have nothing else in their lives, either by choice or by circumstance.  It would never occur to one of them to ask if I’ve ever, say, sicced a dog on a skunk just to see if he’d do it.  He did.  It seemed like a funny idea at the *time*.

do you have a big reason to be happy right now?
Here we go.  Where did I put that last happiness rant?  I’ve got a couple laying around in the survey pile.  Something about happiness as we imagine it not even existing in the past.  You can follow the usage and how it eventually got mangled into us thinking it means the opposite of sadness.

What are the origins of the word ‘happy’

From The Origin of Words and Names– “The word silly meant blessed or happy in the 11th century going through pious, innocent, harmless, pitiable, feeble, feeble minded before finally ending up as foolish or stupid.”

For instance, what does “Happy Harry” mean?  There’s goes a Happy Harry.  Someone who is oblivious of his *not* so good fortune.  Happy, in that sense, means dull-witted, unaware, in your own little bubble, not quite with it enough to realize the circumstances around you, or the meaning behind them.  It was like ‘happy’ and ‘silly’ were kind of interchangeable for awhile, and happy wasn’t necessarily a good thing, more like you lucked into something because you weren’t cool enough or able enough to get it yourself.  This is the one thing in the Constitution that I’ve always taken exception to– the pursuit of happiness.  Happiness is contingent on variables.  Happiness is not the same thing as contentment or joy.  Happiness is almost indefinable without contextual terms to base it on, and each person’s happiness can so beg the question that I hardly see how we can defend it lawfully.  I think basing our Constitutional rights on something this wobbly was a mistake, something that should have been more clearly defined.  So many people interpret it as the right to make money, because money equates to your level of happiness.  I’m sorry, that is so lame, especially for a purportedly Christian nation.  I don’t think the Founding Fathers meant happiness in the way we mean it now.

From Founding Fathers– “The basic premise of the Founding Fathers was man’s right to his own life, to his own liberty, to the pursuit of his own happiness—which means: man’s right to exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself; and that the political implementation of this right is a society where men deal with one another as traders, by voluntary exchange to mutual benefit.”  That means we are not slaves to the government, we are not a labor force of forced labor, we are not used as government tools to get things done, like building highways.  This is what many other civilizations before us did, forced their citizens to comply with a rotation of labor which took them away from their families and livelihoods, and literally came into their homes to rob them and call it ‘taxes’, not to mention having your house and fields burned down if you tried to stand your ground against it.  In the United States, THIS is our happiness, that no one forces us to do something we don’t want to do.  The pursuit of this happiness means we have the freedom to run our own lives without government control.

If this is the first time you have truly ever seen or heard it put this way, or had this brought to your attention, you are so deep in your bubble world that you don’t have a clue what’s about to happen in the U.S.

when was the last time you brushed your teeth?
My mom was obsessed with my teeth growing up (as with everything else that was wrong with me).  From Tetracycline Staining– “Tetracycline is a powerful antibiotic that kills a wide array of bacteria. Many women, prior to 1980, may have take this antibiotic during their pregnancy. When teeth are forming in utero, the drug becomes calcified in the dental and enamel of the child’s teeth and creates a permanent dark and deep gray or brown stain over the entire tooth. Other stains appear in a pattern of horizontal stripes of varying intensity. Also, during the same time period (before1980) many children may have been given the drug and had the same stains. Often dentists can tell if a child had a high fever, just by looking at the stain pattern on their patient’s teeth. In the 1950s, tetracycline stains reached widespread levels because so many doctors prescribed this drug.”  My mother couldn’t grasp the concept that you can’t just brush this out.  I was forced to brush my teeth so many hundreds of times through my childhood that I can’t stand my mouth feeling icky now.  I’m constantly rinsing, even after sweet tea.  My dentist tells me this may be what is saving my gums now, because he rarely sees such healthy gums in a person my age.  And I refuse to be so vain as to spend thousands of dollars on healthy teeth just because they aren’t the right color when it wasn’t my fault to begin with.  I don’t care what other people think about it.  Every dentist I’ve ever had looks at my teeth with utter delight and dollar signs in their eyes, sure is a letdown when I walk out the door without my pride being crushed into compulsive spending.  Too many people out there are easy money, and it’s a racket that has us paying for someone else’s BMW.

have you ever felt as though you were in love?
I’m always in love.  Right now I’m in love with homemade guacamole with wild garlic.

did you ever believe in the tooth fairy?
I was a little perturbed that she gave other kids more money than she gave me.

who’s the hottest red headed person in your opinion?
Gingers extinct in 100 years, say scientists | News.com.au Top stories | News.  I don’t really believe this.  That story blew around the world like wildfire, if you google it you can see how many countries carried that story.  My mom came from redheads (she was a brunette), my 3 sibs are redheads in spite of neither direct parent having red hair, 2 of their children came out redheaded, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to keep persistently showing up.  I was always jealous of ladies at church fawning over my sister’s red hair and I just stood off to the side feeling ugly and plain.  I get really tickled with the Ginger episode on South Park. Gingervitus – Clips – South Park Studios