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Thursday, September 4, 2014

my life in 63 questions

Originally posted 6-24-08.

My current life in 63 questions. Well, maybe less because the survey creator can't count.

1. Whats the highlight of your day?

Whoa, wait a second, there’s a ~highlight~???  How long have I been missing this one?

2. Who’s car were you in last?
I dream occasionally of being in fatal car accidents.  They are extremely detailed, and I’m always surprised to find myself alive when I wake up.  I feel no emotion during these dreams, but I do experience every sight, sound, smell, and physical feeling.  I know what I look like (not like I do in this body), who my family is (not the family I have now), and what my life is about (far unlike this life I’m living).  However, when I wake up I never remember a NAME.  I have no idea who I am each time I experience a new death.  I have been doing this for a number of years, and each accident is unique and very different from the one before, different place, different weather, different family.  I do not feel that the ‘me’ I experience in these dreams has anything to do with ME.  These are not former lives or alt selves or anything like that.  The only connection I seem to have is simultaneously experiencing a fatal car accident with them.  So honestly, I couldn’t tell you whose white car with black trim crossed the center line, hit the ditch, went into a midair twist before it slammed onto its hood, and took out a fence and several fence posts in a field.  I won’t go into the details on what it felt like to die like that.  I do remember thinking “This is going to kill me” as the car went airborne.  Scott thinks it’s because I’ve been in an accident, but that doesn’t explain why I’m different people every single time, and every accident I dream about is so different from my own experience, including that all the people in my dreams actually die in various ways and I get to feel it happen.



3. When is the next time you are going to kiss someone?
October 7th, 2008, 3:02 p.m.  Bet you’re wondering who it’s going to be, eh?  heh heh

4. What color shirt are you wearing?


5. How long is your hair?
It’s getting annoying.  If it’s gonna stick up, it should stick up right.  Lethargic bed head just isn’t cool.  I don’t wanna look like a 60′s British pop star.

6. Last movie you watched
Do you know how long it’s been since I’d seen Episode II: Attack of the Clones?  I finally watched it again.

7. Last thing you ate?
I need another shot of hot chocolate.  Hang on.

8. Last thing you drank?
Wow, I never came back, did I?  But you don’t know that.  So far I’ve spent 4 days on this.  I’m averaging two questions a day.

9. Where did you sleep last night?
That’s what *I* want to know.

10. Are you happy right now?
This is not my state of mind, no. :edit: Deleted video replaced.


11. What did you say last?
“This is not my state of mind, no.”

12. Where is your phone?
It’s happy right now.  No one is bothering it.

13. What was the last museum you went to?
It was a really happy one because it was closed.

14. What color are your eyes?
Happy.

16. When was the last time you had your heart broken?

Happily, I’m not going to talk about this.

17. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
Happiness.

18. What are you listening to?
Happily, nothing.

19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
A pox on this word ‘happy’, and all who follow it into silly little beliefs.

20. Whats your favorite smell?
Ok, ok, I’ll stop with the happy thing.  I could care less if you’re happy.  Go ahead and be happy, that’s fine.  I’m not upset about it.  But if the survey maker brings it up again…

21. Who makes you happiest right now?
*Jack Bauer is about to kill the survey maker* :edit: Deleted video replaced.




I can just see Jack Bauer filling out an internet survey like this…  About halfway through he stands up, whips out his gun, and blows his monitor right off the desk.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I will now go into intricate detail about what happens throughout the limbic system as the body sleeps…  Ok, I won’t, but the survey maker nearly forced me to bore you all to tears.

23. Are you left-handed?
Let’s find out.  *throwing darts at survey maker left handed*  Rats, guess not.

24. What’s for dinner tonight?
63 – 24 = omg, I’ve still got 39 more questions to go.  Wait, there’s hope…  I can see that 28 is missing.  Maybe others are missing, too.  Oh, thank God.

25. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

Watkins Vanilla Extract  Yes, I know you said “beverage”, but I accidentally tipped a little too much in my hot chocolate this morning.  Does a teaspoon of 30% alcohol count?  BTW, really good vanilla is over 80 bucks a gallon now if you buy it by the ounce.  Just a little context in a world of ‘soaring’ gas prices.  If you are shrugging this off, you have no idea how many things you eat and drink that have vanilla flavoring in them.

26. When is your birthday?
Pollen.com says my sinus headache might be coming from chenopods.

27. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
I promised my sister I wouldn’t put that crazy silly face she made on the internet.  My siblings fear me.

29. Where was the last place you went shopping?
A really awesomely cool local Amish gourmet ‘cheese’ shop featuring over 80 different kinds of cheese and you can only imagine the rest.  I picked up some 
Hawgwash bbq sauce and buffalo summer sausage to add to the private weekend grill fest we’ll have for Scott’s birthday.

30. How do you feel about your hair right now?
Why did this not come directly under # 5?  Is the survey maker unhappy with a salon accident, perhaps?  Or maybe an error in taste?  I hope I’m not talking to someone with a mullet…    No offense if you are reading this and wear your hair in a mullet.    

32. AIM or MSN?
I’ve blocked the whole world.  It doesn’t matter.  I can’t wait until advertising logos come out on onesies.  Can you just see an infant wearing Alltel?  Yahoo?  And I bet people would buy them, too.

33. Where does most of your family live?
How far are we extending the ‘family’?  I come from pretty scattered stock.

34. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I may never finish this survey.  This has got to be the most boring survey I’ve ever filled out in my life.  Is it me?  Am *I* the boring one?  It must be me.  No wonder this is taking a month to finish.  I must be in some kind of slump.

35. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
By the Mennonite super hard working standards I grew up with, Scott spoils me rotten.  By mainstream American standards, I am a frugal hermit.  I see most of what people spend money on as excess waste.  But I could ask for the moon and Scott would get it for me.

36. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
What inept bubblehead schedules me for physical therapy 4 hours before an MRI with sedation where I can’t eat for 8 hours before the procedure???  Sorry, I just got a phone call, that wasn’t the first thing I thought when I woke up.  Actually, the first thing I thought was I’m watching too much tv.  I dreamt Jack Bauer and Kathy Griffin got married, and their assistants had to buy each other Christmas presents.  Yeah, way off the wall.  BTW, my psychologist looks eerily like Tom on Team Griffin.  Just thought I’d share that.  Anyway, I was able to reschedule, thank goodness.  I can see me totally sugar crashing before sedation, yeah.

37. Do you like to drink beer?
When someone spends $34 a pound on gourmet old fashioned candy for you, you’d better eat it before it gets hard as a rock.  I’m really bad about forgetting I have candy around.  I just ran into it as my Jack Sparrow calendar was falling apart and I had to fix it.  You know, out of all the calendars I’ve had over the years, I’ve never had one just fall apart like leaves off a tree before like this.  Is this because it’s a pirate calendar?  Pirates are known for ’splitting’.  Ok, that was bad, where were we?  Beer.  Gosh, I haven’t had a beer in nearly two decades.  Before I went into liver toxicity I would drink a skunked beer that had rolled around under the seat in a hot car for a month.  But I do have to confess, I would have much preferred a dark lager.

40. What is/was your favorite subject in school?
You assume I’m actually teaching.  Haha, I’m so funny.  I did have the chance to go teach at a local college, but frankly, repeating the same material ad nauseam semester after semester bores me out of my skull.  All my classes would turn into either standup or me making the students write social-psyche analyses on Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.

41. What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
I kinda like the whole male gender thing.  Is that a type?

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
Trick question.  Like, how low IS my IQ?  Not that low.  Ok, for those of you who didn’t get this (at the risk of offending some of you who don’t get it but still understand why I’m explaining), I’ll spell it out.  If I say what they are, they are no longer hidden, thus the survey maker got me to ‘talk’.  I bet the rest of you woulda fallen for it.

43. Have you ever been in a wedding?
This kinda reminds me of the survey where the question was “Have you ever eaten a bug?”  Is anyone EVER gonna ask me if I’ve ever seen a UFO?  For crying out loud, let’s get some imagination going.

44. Are you going to have any children within 6 years.
Ok, the ’6′ saved this one.  I don’t know why 6, but I’ll let this one slide.  And let’s hope I don’t.  I’ve already told my kids not to have any yet so I can catch a breather.  It’s weird knowing how fertile I still am.  I know guys would probably be proud of that, but the longer I go, the more I worry about birth control failure and how ironic it would be.  And my lack of fear.  I’m sure I’d name this one Spock, regardless of the sex, just for kicks.  The kid would hate me.

45. Did you take a nap today?
I’m up at 2 a.m., today has just begun.  But here is the plan- hang out until 5, whereafter I can’t eat solid foods or milk for 8 hours, then go back to bed to make the time pass faster.  Now I will totally leave you hanging about what the heck is going on.

46. Ever met someone famous?
This would have been a scary question a few decades ago.  You hear all kinds of stories about someone from the mob showing up at a spa in Hot Springs or whatever.  I’m really lucky I live in a tourist area that doesn’t take famous people that seriously because they’re so mixed in with the general population that it’s just no big deal.  It’s like with Yakov Smirnoff- what happens at Chuck E. Cheese stays at Chuck E. Cheese, you know?  That was a few years ago.  He’s still running around loose with his kids.  We don’t have paparazzi after the guy.  And apparently the Osmond Brothers are taking over with their hearing center and something about all the murals in the kids’ hallways at the hospital, so you just never know.  Being aspie in retail and hospitality lends to a sort of down to earth feel.  I don’t look at faces more than I have to (grin and greet within 8 feet, as they say), I’m more into price checks than names, and the face pattern recognition thing sometimes takes awhile to kick in.  Besides, a kid up the street from me has been in a movie.  So?  We don’t care.  Well, we care, but we have lives, knowhutImean?

47. Do you want to be famous one day?
Oh, I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in other surveys that have probably disappeared over time, but I’m the chick who back in the 80s caught her hair on fire in a Pizza Hut and the chain yanked all the candles off the tables overnight, yada yada.  Yes, I was urban legend.  I’m here to say that one was true.  My profuse apologies to everyone who missed the cool ambiance of those round red candle holders with those white net thingies around them while they were on nervous romantic dates wondering where all the candles went.

48. Are you multitasking right now?
Ok, I’ll tell you.  I can’t eat all day because I have an MRI with sedation today.  They don’t like claustrophobic people laying in those tubes screaming while they keep saying “HOLD STILL, PLEASE”.

49. Could you handle being in the military?
I would probably get a little too excited and shoot one of my comrades in the leg or something.  Not that I’m a bad shot, but we all know how knives go flying out of my hands when I’m telling a story.

 

50. What is your average cell phone bill?
This kind of question cracks me up.  You want my average number of calls?  My average minutes used?  My average directory assistance calls that cost $1 apiece and get Scott worked up?  I really don’t care enough to go check all this stuff.

51. Do you believe in karma?
Karma has grabbed me by the ankles and slung me through several buildings.  And yet I still giggle.

52. Ever been to Las Vegas?
You haven’t played a slot machine until you’ve had a ’1 in 5 chance’ heart procedure.  I do like quarters though.  If I ever get rich, I’ll put a slot machine in my house.  I’ll probably wind up with my arm in a sling.  Wait, I’ll be able to pay people to pull the slot arm for me.


53. What are you doing today?
Ok, ok, I’ll tell you, just quit bugging me.  It’s a brain scan.  We’re focusing on the 7th cranial nerve on the left side of the back of my head, no contrast.  (I’m allergic to contrast, which I hear is less than 1% of the population.  I’m special.)  I guess we’re also ruling out MS plaques and several other neuro issues again.  I rolled a car and flipped out spectacularly when I was 19, and yes, I know I’m lucky to be alive, nearly ripped my head off going out a window, so the headaches are kinda off the wall sometimes.  From what I understand, the highest suicides rates in the world related to medical issues have to do with cranial and trigeminal nerve damage, so I can’t even begin to describe to you the pain I’ve lived with for nearly 30 years now.  And no, I wasn’t drinking and driving.  I was on my way to church, passing a car that was doing 40, and another car popped up out of an unmarked dip.  I saved all our lives going off the road.  It’s weird how time really slows down during stuff like that.  I looked over at the car beside me and saw the terror on the guy’s face, and yanked my car right off and said “God, you take it.”  There was a kid that witnessed the whole thing and came racing out of his house yelling that it was better than Dukes of Hazard.  Always happy to entertain.  I was conscious through the whole thing.  The car hit a ditch, flew up perfectly between two trees while it flipped in mid air, landed on the windshield (I remember seeing it shatter), and from there gyrated and flipped wildly while I was thrown out a window.  I vividly remember the left side of my face being on the ground looking at the car on the roof spinning right at me and thinking it would just smear me.  How in the world did I have enough time to even think that?  I didn’t realize my feet were in the air and I was still flipping myself.  Sure felt the thud, though.  Slid several feet into a wild rose bush, and the emergency crew had to untangle my hose out of the bush before they could get me onto a gurney.  (That was my favorite dress…  )  They couldn’t believe I was still alive, much less conscious, and able to tell them to look for my sister, along with my ss# and all other pertinent information.  I have no idea how badly I was hurt.  I left the hospital as soon as I could stand up and walk without throwing up.  I was purple from head to toe and crawled around the house for two weeks before I could walk upright.  Yes, I was pretty stubborn back then…  (This probably explains why I like Jack Bauer so much.  The guy could eat a bomb and still keep going.)

54. Have you ever been gambling?
I don’t have to.  My whole life is a gamble.

55. Have you been to New York City?
They say my tv brings me to Times Square when the ball drops, so I guess I have.

56. Have you ever been out of the country?
This page is cracking me up.  
Juarez Mexico Travel Guide  “Whatever you may have heard, Juarez, Mexico is full of good people, interesting attractions, fine restaurants, a fascinating history, and very impressive shopping values.”  Yeah, I’ve been to Juarez.  Don’t wander off alone there.  Justice for the Women of Ju├írez and Chihuahua

57. Ever been to Disneyland/world?
I’ve been offered a totally free trip.  Didn’t work out.

58. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Darkwing Duck was a genius spoof on everything superhero.  And since I grew up with ducks, I knew every bit of it was entirely plausible.



59. Last thing you cooked?Does microwaving hot chocolate count?  I’m going to have an egg sandwich soon.

60. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?Put it in the same pocket with a chicken egg.  You’ve heard of the ‘small farmer’, right?  Well, I represent the extremely small farmer.  And yes, the egg broke while I was ducking into the pen to feed my chicken, had to get a new phone.  I know, I know, who puts an egg into a pocket…

61. Last time you were sick?
I don’t wanna talk about it right now.

62. How big is your house?
I’m surrounded by earth homes, so mine sticking up into the sky looks more impressive than it probably actually is.

63. Do you think anyone will repost this?
I know you can’t copy and paste from this blog, but you can email it to yourself and go from there.  Man, it’s finally over.