I Try To Excercise My Demons, But They’ve Gotten Out Of Shape. -survey

Originally posted on 10-21-12.

from Bzoink – I Try To Excercise My Demons, But They’ve Gotten Out Of Shape.-survey

How often do you take painkillers?

Almost never. I am the T800 of the pain world. Too many med allergies and adverse reactions.

Are they prescribed?

Yep, but I can’t do meds, I just deal. You know, like fantasize about poking blunt wire coat hangars into my spine for homemade acupuncture. I don’t really do it, that would actually hurt more. I think the visual bullies my nervous system into submission so I won’t faint or throw myself over the railing.

Do you curse in average conversations?

‘Cursing’ loses so much of its value if you use it in average conversations. I shock people silly because I do it so rarely, they really pay attention. And isn’t that how words are supposed to be, powerful and meaningful?

Do you own any leather?

Leather is cooler when it’s worked by real Native American women through a special program enabling them to make some money. Southwest Indian Foundation – Navajo, Zuni, and other native crafts…

Do you party because you like it or because you’re supposed to?

I party because there’s food. 

Who’s the person you think about when you’re lying awake?

Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to get up and eat a cookie.

Have you ever bought a shot glass?

Those are so cute. I tried starting a collection, but I suck at collecting. I once got one from Jackass, Colorado, but things have changed so much that I don’t know if that would be at Cripple Creek now, or if there is a place by Jackass Canyon, and whether that is near Jackass Hill Park (in Arapahoe County, CO). I just remember 30 years ago they were trying to save an old ghost town and selling stuff out of what used to be a real saloon, and my friend from the army base was taking me all over sight seeing. She is part Indian and really into cool stuff like that.

Do you have a therapist?

Ha, I have more than one. 

Have you ever wanted to be a superhero?

I’d rather be one of the Mystery Men.

Do you like menthol cigarettes?

Those are no substitute for toothpaste. And no, when I did smoke heavily (Camel Lights, for trivia enthusiasts) and ran out one day, I bummed a menthol off someone and like to died. Those so suck. But that was around 25 years ago. I stopped smoking after I worked for a 40 year old chain smoker who looked 60. I’m 50 now and look 40. If that’s not incentive to quit, I don’t know what is. If you’re still too young to take that seriously, I was in my mid-20′s when I quit. You don’t get your young skin back, no matter what smokers believe about their lungs miraculously healing the second you stop smoking, and that’s why they put off quitting till later.

Do you ever fall for spam mail?

My dad still falls for spam phone calls, you know, the kind where you get an automated message that says call this 900 number, so he does, because he wants *answers*, he wants to know who is bugging him all day long with these calls, he wants to talk to a real person. We’ve gone in circles getting him onto a no call list and instructing him NOT TO CALL ANYONE BACK that he doesn’t know (especially explaining how you get charged extra for calling 900 numbers), and seriously, whoever came up with the idea to scam old people like that is a genius, because it sure does work. And how about this one? Elderly St. Louis widow racks up $14,000 in magazine subscriptions | KMOV.com

Ever used an online dating site?

I would have to explain how violent I get without warning because I’m super ticklish… I’m sure I’d wind up in jail, because what guy wouldn’t see that as a challenge? Thankfully, a mutual friend hooked me up with Scott, I accepted that as a good decision because I suck at that kind of stuff, and next year will be our 20th. I can’t even imagine trusting a dating site. What if I actually got someone romantic and gooey? What would I do??? I couldn’t be cool on a date if I tried. The first time Scott and I went out I accidentally (as opposed to on purpose…) flipped a steak knife through the air and just missed an old lady at the next table, and the knife was actually sticking up out of the floor. I can’t see that being a plus as a description for online dating. They’d have a cautionary disclaimer up on me. Scott wasn’t deterred because I had my blouse unbuttoned a little bit further than I normally wear. I guess that really works, huh? That or he thought my knife throwing was sexy.

What color do you wear the most?

Black. This is kind of surprising for people who know that I love Lisa Frank and Weird Al.

Do you only eat cough drops because you like the taste?

I finally discovered all the croup was coming from food reactions. When they finally exploded into full blown wheezy allergic reactions and I stopped eating those foods, I was able to stop sucking on cough drops. If you’re tired of sucking on cough drops and using inhalers, try a rotation diet and see if that gives you some relief. I couldn’t believe what a huge change that was for me.

Have you ever gotten a good grade in math class?

No one ever asks if I got in trouble in home ec. Which I did. A lot.

Do you have a tumblr account?

Tumblr is like a bomb going off in the fan world, it’s like board surfing a runaway freight train down a steep mountain pass. It’s ~fun~.  Yeah, I know, I’ve whined about tumblr in the past… I still do. My nvidia card goes beserk and blacks out sometimes when I load tumblr. Nothing else I do ever causes that. The Geek Squad told me my laptop is fine. Bad tumblr!  But it’s still ~fun~.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

It’s really super creepy walking by a doorway in an empty church you’re cleaning and seeing the back of someone’s head over an office chair, and then when you turn back to talk to them, there is no one there.

Insomniac?

The worst one you ~ever~ met. And meds give me nightmares that make horror films look like Care Bears. I’d rather just not sleep.

What do you think of the last person you texted?

She’s one of my top 5 fave people in the whole world. My list only goes up to 5. Everyone else is not on any kind of list.

Have your parents ever walked in on you having sex?

I feel I must issue a cautionary warning in case some of you who know me might feel a little stunned that I’d actually say this. I grew up with spontaneous orgasms and neuro stim compulsions, I think just about everyone caught me having sex of some kind until I hit the 3rd grade and figured out the whole privacy thing. (Kindergarten and first grade were nightmares.) Whoever just fell outa your chair, it’s a brain thing, I have asperger’s and weird stuff going on with my nervous system core, I’m not a nymph, and in fact quite asexual toward other people. I know, it’s weird, get used to it, and don’t bug me about it. I won’t be answering any messages that come through full of questions about this one.

Have you ever lied about being a virgin?

True story. I was actually a virgin months after I got married because my first husband turned out to be a pedophile and wasn’t doing it right, and I didn’t know the difference. My first gyno doc pulled him aside and asked him if he knew what he was doing…

Are Australian accents attractive?

Any kind of accent is cool.

Do you like getting stoned?

I absolutely hate it. My brain claws its way out of my skull in full blown panic attacks any time I’ve been given *anything* to calm me down, legal or not. The adverse reactions I have are akin to hysteria. I’m more fun with a teeny tiny buzz, you know, like half an aspirin and a cup of milked down coffee.

Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine?

I got a bean caught in my nose when I was little.

Have you ever smoked cocaine?

Not to my knowledge, and they all swear it was only a joint, so basically I was high as a kite for 12 hours off of two puffs. If everyone’s heads were as twisted as mine gets on meds and drugs, you’d all be wary of ever doing more. I can only imagine that an acid trip would prolly have been like turning the Joker loose on Gotham City, good thing I never tried it.

Do you own a full set of colored pencils?

I have, and pens, and crayons, and paints, and embroidery threads, and confectionary decorations, and colored papers, and footies…. I am wildly attracted to color palettes, color studies, colors. That’s probably where all my sex drive got shunted over to in my synesthesia, colors and patterns and textures.

Who’s the most attractive female you’ve ever seen?

I really like S.E. Cupp. It’s probably her glasses. They’re like power frames. I watch Real News on the Blaze just to watch her talk.

Have you ever seriously questioned your sexuality?

I’ve always known exactly who I am. What I have seriously questioned are people who don’t have a clue who they are and still try to tell me who I am.

Red, white, yellow, or pink roses?

I grew up with yellow roses in the yard, so I love seeing yellow roses. But I love roses regardless, and I like champagne roses in a bouquet. What’s really super cool is yellow and orange frosting roses on a chocolate autumn decorated cake. I could really run away with this question. My birthday is next week, how much you wanna bet I make a chocolate cake now with orange and red and yellow autumn decorations.

What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you?

It’s so mean and stupid that I’m not ever going to repeat it. And it’s not at all anything you could possibly think it might be.

Do you think someone would ever want to marry you?

I couldn’t believe Scott wanted to, but here we still are.

Do you know who Jim Morrison is?

The word ‘hedonist’ popped into my head as soon as I read that. Ethical hedonism is kind of the thing now, wonder how Jim would have done with the emo crowd. Prolly about the same. I can see him becoming a Cthulhu activist (like Conceptual Coma Activism, as it were, perhaps…?) (My free associating is kicking in, I must be getting tired enough to try sleeping.)

Have you ever done acid?

No one wants me to ever do acid. I’m sure I’d wind up in prison.

Were you at a rave?

I get migraines, I can’t do the whole light strobing psychelectro music thing without having to kill someone.

Can you usually tell when someone’s lying?

I assume everyone is.

Have you ever made a mistake just so you could feel miserable?

Recrimination is not my strong point. I suck at baiting myself psychologically. People who feed off their own emotions like a drug mystify me. I’m terribly Vulcan in that regard.

Do you like Thanksgiving?

I love it when I get to stay in my pajamas and watch the parade and drink hot chocolate while everyone else is in a different house chaotically bumping out a gigantic dinner, and then I get to eat stuffed cornish hens and watch something cool from all the nerdy programming that comes on during holidays while other people in another house do a mountain of dishes and drag out a Christmas tree, and then I snack my way through evening football while other people hang around in a different house planning their chaotic Black Friday shopping frenzies. I’ve tried being more interactive, honestly I have, but I can’t help dreading Thanksgiving because I go into aspie overload.

How about Christmas?

I’ve been so sharply disillusioned that I simple can’t reconcile the driving madness of consumer spending with the ‘reason for the season’. My fave ever Christmas movie is A Very Sunny Christmas. To be fair, though, I was the Christmas kid growing up, and I worked in Kringles Christmas Store one year. I can’t believe they don’t have the train shop listed, #4 on the map. I started out in there.

Do you believe in soul mates?

I ran into a quote somewhere about how interesting it is that most people find their “soul mates” within so many short miles of their homes. I don’t have a soul mate. I’ve never yet run into anyone who clicks with me like that. Cosmic irony would dictate that most of us either have generic ‘soul mate’ slots, or that our one, true soul mate is on the other side of the planet and born 60 years too early or too late. You know, the next time someone asks me what my religion is, I think I’ll say “Cosmic Irony”, because that seems to answer to just about everything I go through in this life. The faith required is skepticism. I’m really good at that. If I do have a soul mate, that person is in another galaxy about eight and a half billion years before or after my time.

Do you post pictures where you look good but your friends look bad?

I guess the first mistake is thinking I have friends, and the second is thinking I give a crap how I look.

Are you friends with any of your exes?

I guess the first mistake is thinking my exes are normal sane people, and the second is thinking that I don’t wish they were dead.

Have you ever thought you were drowning?

I nearly did once, and it’s not like you think. Arguing with a little brat to let me put my hand on his float device out in 30 feet of lake water before I could pass out was priceless. It was more like he pissily pulled me back to shore so he could go tell his parents on me while I lay on the rocks and broken glass in spasms trying to breathe. Took awhile before I could get up. I owe that kid my life.

What’s the most embarrassing artist you have on your ipod?

I have yet to get an ipod. I can’t imagine putting someone I think is embarrassing into my music collection. It would surely contain, however, everything Weird Al Yankovic has ever put out.

Would you ever wait for someone for more than ten years?

My sister did that. She has two kids now, and they’re really cute and super smart. I’d call that worth it. I made Scott wait 3 years to marry me so I’d know he’d really stick around.

Do you know someone in the army?

Several people, and a few in the Marines. I’m not really supposed to tell you if they’ve been in black ops.

Do gay people make you uncomfortable?

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is when people (of any orientation) think it’s their business to get all up in my business.

Do straight people make you uncomfortable?

True story. I divorced a pedophile, so I was a single mom with his kid. I went to a ladies bible class and those gabbers sat around discussing whether or not it was ‘legal’ for me to remarry (I was sitting *right there*), as if nothing I’d been through carried any weighty importance in the matter. ANY person who does KIDS is CHEATING on their spouse. Get it? Could that be any more stupid than debating it if I’d divorced a rapist? To even reduce these things to whether or not it’s ‘adultery’ by definition and then discuss them like I’m the one who’d better be careful about getting the scarlet letter is the stupidest most nidiotically calloused thing I’ve ever been through in a church setting. I never went back to that ladies bible class. I don’t think God invented humans to be tiny minded.

Do you ever wear colored eye liner?

I’m so allergic that my eyes actually lean out over my lids and power hose it all off 20 minutes after I’ve applied it. My only recourse is to tattoo makeup on, but after a nasty bout of Bell’s Palsy, I’m SO glad I never did that. There’s nothing stupider than half your face not matching the other half in permanent makeup. Fortunately it’s mostly all healed, but that would have been 4 months of mortifying hell, wouldn’t it?

Target or Walmart?

Target carries Caribou coffee. Walmart carries everything else.

Have you ever used crest white strips? Did they work? Actually, I think it would be more interesting to color my teeth and have jewels and gold filigree set into them. Dental Jewelry Tooth Diamond Online Purchase from Twinkles twinkles.net de

                                     

Who’s the last person you made a mix cd for?

This question is so ten years ago. I’m the only person I know who still actually uses a real cd player.

Did you ever have a thing for any of your teachers?

Yeah, I loathed them.

Do you exercise every day?

My brain has a 12-pack. But yes, actually, I do exercise, thanks to Chris Hardwick.

Have you ever used a darkroom?

I would love to live on a planet whose daylight never got more intense than full solar eclipse level. Sunlight winking off waves of water and tree leaves is beautiful, but my worst headache days are high photon days. If you see me in dark glasses, it’s not because I’m wasted or beaten up. And yes, I know what a darkroom is. I had special instructions on when and how to clean around them in a hospital. I’m really curious how the survey creator wouldn’t know that darkroom is all one word, since it seems like a question one would ask only if one were familiar with using one. I fixed it for you. You’re welcome.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

About 4. It was a decent night.

Have you ditched any classes today?

I keep forgetting about my account at Fanpop.

What does the word ‘Candy’ mean to you?

I love these guys.

Have you ever listened to Christian music?

This is an interesting question in the exercising demons survey… I love the word play in that title, by the way, best survey title I’ve ever run into. You get a ‘good job!’ sticker.

Are you the ‘creative child’?

I am the Elephant’s Child. I ask ever so many questions.

Would you ever dye your hair pink?

I’m trying to grow it out so I can. And blue, and purple…

Do you have a dirty mind?

I apparently have such a clean mind that even when you explain the joke to me, it takes me two days to get it. Actually, I’m like that with all kinds of jokes.

Do you ever masturbate?

I’m surprised this question is reduced to a simple yes or no type question.

Are you embarrassed about your sex life or lack there of?

I’ve been correcting all the typos. I want to ask back- are you embarrassed about your language skills or lack thereof? I mean, the questions are pretty good, and for the most part the grammar and punctuation are spot on, which is so rare in surveys. Ok, anyway, back to the question. I’m not embarrassed at all.

Who’s the last person you said I love you to?

I’m so used to just saying it at the end of a phone conversation or as I’m parting ways after a visit that sometimes it slips out to complete strangers, like a tram driver, or a grocery checkout clerk. It gets pretty funny.

What’s your stance on spooning?

I don’t cuddle well.

Have you ever seen a shooting star?

Maybe I’m lucky, because yes, I did. I didn’t know what it was at first. I was driving home really late one night after work, and saw a weird vague tiny glowy light sort of ahead of me, and I couldn’t tell what it was. It kind of seemed like it was moving, but not in any direction, and just as I realized it was coming right at ME because it was getting bigger real fast, it popped apart and disappeared. So I think I saw a meteorite, which technically is a shooting star.

Did you make a wish or do you not believe in that crap?

I make lots of wishes, all the time, you don’t need a meteorite for that. Some of them come true anyway, because statistically, the more you wish, and the bigger variety of things wished for, the chances increase that a small percentage of them will come true. And if you really want them to come true, make sure they’re not incredibly impossible kinds of wishes. Magic happens all around us, and our brains are powerful things. Wish as though you really believe, and you might just change your life.

Did you like your life when you were in middle school?

I was a rugrat in middle school. I wore hand me downs and braces, my mom didn’t let me wear makeup (and I don’t remember if I even had deodorant, probably not), and I got picked on mercilessly. I don’t recall liking much at all during that era.

Have you ever been ‘popular’?

‘Wildly so’.

Has someone ever tried to convert you?

Adults telling 5 year olds that they’ll go to hell if they don’t get saved *right now* isn’t ‘conversion’, it’s terrorists brainwashing little kids.

Are you thin?

Sometimes my patience is. You know how people say someone has the patience of Job? That’s me. He’s really not a patient guy, if you actually read it.

Do you like big earrings?

I think it’s neat when people hang Christmas ornaments from their ears.

Are you scared of your future?

I’ve already put my order in for my next life, long list of ‘no way’ stuff.

Are you a whiskey person?

I made some really delicious pork cutlets for lunch, and I can’t stop eating them. Scott won’t have any left over for work. For the small minded, I nearly killed myself on whiskey many years ago. Liver toxicity sucks about as bad as anything you’ll ever go through, so wean down off the alcohol, ok? Don’t cold turkey if you’re a heavy drinker, like I did, you can go into liver shock. Some of you are going, Yeah, but pork cutlets aren’t good for your liver, either, and I’m going, Yeah, but my blood work is the best it’s ever been, and that kind of argument won’t save your liver if you’re still drinking.

Are you a coward?

I told you about the spider that was as big as my foot, right? Another survey back there.

Do you ever listen to oldies?

I need Darkwing Duck theme music following me around.

Are you good at making conversation?

Not really, I just free associate everyone to death.

Do you go on a lot of dates? My new Merlin calendar arrived in the mail today!!!!  The photos are huge. I usually write all over my wall calendars, but there is no way I’m going to mess up this one. So I’ll have to buy another one…

Have you ever been told that you dress like a slut?

I couldn’t look slutty if I tried. Scott walked through here this morning looking slutty…  I was elbow deep in dish water, and he came back in from deer hunting with most of his clothes all stripped off, and seriously, this is the ONLY time I get to see him in those cool bike underwear that wicks away moisture, he walked over to the microwave and caught my eye, my head turned automatically while my brain wentshwaaaaaa? and before I could even think I blurted out, Wow, you look good!  Then I ran for my camera, and he managed to elude me. I tried to convince him of how glad he’ll be when he’s 90 that I took this picture, but the guy just doesn’t have that preening instinct, and he wouldn’t be still, and every shot I got was blurry because I couldn’t think straight to work the camera right. So now if I get Alzheimer’s and forget what I saw, I won’t have anything to back it up.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Scott says if anything ever happens to me he’ll die because his cooking is so bad that he’ll go back to twinkies and hot dogs. For Scott to admit that he’d be helpless without someone is HUGE.

Do you still watch cartoons?

The most tv I’ve watched this year is SD ComicCon stuff and Merlin. Sunny in Philadelphia is back, so now I’m watching that, too. I guess you could say every bit of that is rather cartoony. I really don’t watch much tv otherwise.

Are you a comic book geek?

No, but I married one whose mom threw all his old comic books away that would be worth millions now. I hear that every little bit. And he has a Batman t-shirt and lunchbox. I got the Spiderman lunchbox.

When’s the last time you had Starbucks?

Never. We used to drive to another state to pick up Caribou, but now HyVee and Target carry it, so we’re good.

Was it worth the ridiculous pricing?

My youngest worked at a Starbucks for awhile, she thought it was ridiculous. The Caribou is totally worth it.

Are you a fan of muffins?

I had to make muffins every morning at a hotel I worked at. They were awesome. I haven’t eaten them since. Have you noticed that when something is awesome you kind of overdo it till you get super burnout and then nothing else like it ever compares? Yeah, that.

Did you just think of sex?

Daniel Tosh is the only one who ever makes me think of sex when he says things completely unrelated to it.

 

Have you ever heard of The Cranberries?

I bought two bags of cranberries today and put them into the freezer. My mom had this yummy cranberry ambrosia recipe that she’d make every Thanksgiving, and I still make it every year.

What’s your most recent obsession?

Let’s see, three years ago it was the price of cocoa and sugar (which were both jumping up and have never really come back down since, despite there being plenty of cacao beans because stock traders were having a ball driving it up, and a nasty storm hit the sugar cane fields in Hawaii), a couple of years ago it was buying up Libby’s canned pumpkin as quickly as it arrived in stores after they came out of a two year crop shortage due to flooding (and now the price is nearly double per can in some stores even though there seems to be plenty), last year it was buying up butter and throwing it into the freezer every time I found it real cheap because the price of butter had doubled and even tripled, depending on the store, and this year it’s Hershey’s milk chocolate chips, the price of which varies wildly by as much as $2.50 a bag. While people whine about a 30 cent markup in the price of gas, I marvel that no one complains when the price of the really good vanilla can jump by nearly a dollar an ounce. I’ve been obsessed with the movement of ‘goods and services’ ever since I saw my first world map in the fourth grade.

Are you feeling okay today?

I’m feeling awesome today. I hope you are, too. And if not, here’s a hug. ~*hug*~ 

Does anyone care?

I know they do because they stalk me.