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Saturday, September 6, 2014

‘not sure why I’m doing this survey’ survey

Originally posted 8-18-12.

When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing?
I get the coolest most intense dreams when my CO2 builds up. I don’t actually stop breathing, and I don’t have sleep apnea. I get too relaxed and take a long time between breaths.

Was your first kiss perfect?
I have never had a perfect kiss. I’m not sure anyone has. Chasing the perfect kiss in our dreams is a brain drug, it gets us through hard stuff.

Exactly what is perfection to you?
If a moment is perfect, you have to let it go as quickly as it came, and it will never come back, or else you ruin it. Perfection, in our minds, is hanging onto that moment, but that’s an illusion.

Do you ever feel like you think too much about the person you love?
I wonder what the world would be like right now if everyone thought about the people they love instead of the people they hate.

Are you someone who has to analyze everything?
I’ve spent a lifetime ignoring what makes other people tick, I’m not about to start now.

Whats the last thing that scared the hell out of you?
Giant spider in my kitchen. Nothing gets your mind off like nearly stepping on a spider as wide as your bare foot. (Wow, this one is old, I wrote that months ago.)

Has anyone ever made you cry just by saying I love you?
This has way deeper significance when you know that person literally cannot say anything else and hasn’t been able to have a conversation with you in over two years, and you know it’s getting close, and they look you in the eyes and tell you they love you, and you know they mean it, and there are millions of unspoken words that come with it that let you know everything is forgiven and nothing is in the way any more. Yes, you go home and bawl your eyes out. ****Ok, I let this one sit awhile, and I keep coming back and reading it, and it comes across weird and creepy, so I’ll clarify a little. My mom died a long slow death from several big strokes that left her very deficit both physically and cognitively. I was not close to my mom growing up, felt rather picked on continually for what none of us realized was Asperger’s, never felt forgiven, and never really felt loved, although I’m sure she never meant for that to happen. When she started having strokes there were so many unfinished emotions that never got resolved, and despite the relief I felt that I no longer had to tolerate her unceasing judgement, years of taking care of her and watching her slowly spiral down were anguishing. I learned over that time that nothing means more to our lives on this planet than resolving our relationship issues before it’s too late. There is just nothing else comparable to the real meaning of life that goes round and round your head, if you don’t get those solved you feel like you failed somehow at why you were here. During her last couple of years I was seeing a psychologist for help with my Asperger’s and social skills and whatnot, really eye opening stuff for me, and I began to realize and understand what it must have been like for *her* to raise a child like me. She’s not a bad person, but without her own social safety net and support system, she was lost and flying blind, and made ever so many mistakes. My memories of my childhood are fairly tragic in places. By the time she reached her last summer, I was reaching a place where I could let all that go, where I wanted God to erase it all and just make it ok, because we really had made it through our stuff, and I no longer wanted or needed validation or recompense or some kind of understanding or forgiveness. I just loved her and wished I could go back in time and give her lots of hugs and tell her everything was going to be all right. And that is the magic. The last time I saw her awake and somewhat responsive, and I guess this sometimes happens when people with brain problems near death seem to snap back into momentary coherency, she suddenly locked eyes with me and grinned so big like she was not only glad to see me (that had never happened in my life), but like we had a big fun secret just between the two of us. And for the first time in my life, as well, especially with the Asperger’s, I locked eyes right back at her and grinned right back, and every bit of it was “I love you, too”, no hesitation, no baggage. That moment, as in a previous question further up, was PERFECT. And then I went home and bawled my eyes out, because one moment was all we got. She went blank and never looked at me again, and died a couple of months later.

Who is the last person you pushed out of your life? Why?
I’m not sure if it’s so much push as flee. Maybe I push for a reason to be there, I find it so easy to just disappear from people. This has everything to do with when I disappeared off the internet.

Do you have any life changing plans within the next 6 months?
Yes.

Do you have any awkward music downloaded on your ipod?
It’s not at all awkward that I don’t own an ipod.

How do you feel about the first person you kissed?
I just discovered that the Priceline Negotiator isn’t dead after all!  I have a thing for William Shatner.

What was the first thing you did on your birthday?
Thanked God I made it this far.

Has anyone left a lasting impression on you recently?
The person I swiped this survey from. I don’t have the heart to erase this. “Not really. Like am I supposed to hate Emily’s twin? Because she dresses slutty? I don’t hate her.” It just cracks me up.

As of right now, how do you feel about your future?
Well, if Montgomery Ward can come back from epic fail, anything’s possible. We got a little catalog in the mail this week.

Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly?
Awkward run-ins are my forte. I have a knack for making them especially awkward because I don’t mind public embarrassment and humiliation as much as other people do.

Do you think your ex is over you?
I never think about this kind of stuff.

What kind of perfume do you wear?
I’m allergic, wah.

Is it expensive?
And I’m allergic to everyone else wearing perfume. You guys suck.

What was the last songs you sang out loud?
:edit: There seems to be a missing video here, so have another one. I actually try to keep up with this one.


Is sex something special, or just for fun?
Everybody wants to know about my sex life, it just kills people that I won’t say anything about how it all works for me. Kinda like when Vulcans go all pon farr, humans suddenly grow antennae and wanna watch.

Are you too sensitive for your own good?
The ironical bit is that, even though the Asperger’s has my nervous system wired like I’m tripping through mine fields, I’m often maddeningly calloused and indifferent to other people’s emotional needs and feelings.