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Friday, September 19, 2014

sometimes people say ‘ouch’ survey

Originally posted on 2-19-09.

Will you cry at your wedding?
This could bring up an interesting time travel paradox that would change the future of the world for all time.

Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?
A cousin.  Can’t tell you how weird that is.  You know those Amish communities where everyone is named John or something?  That’s actually pretty clever, like a bunch of striped zebras being indistinguishable to a stalker in the tall grass.

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
I actually am, yes.  That’s what youngsters get for leaving clothes behind when they move out.  I also gleaned $70 in mostly used gift cards off the floor.  That’s the coolest thing about the empty nest, you get to go through the junk and reap the spoils.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
I have friends?  Wow.

What is your current annoyance?
I am among the rare 1.5% of people that suffers almost instant and nearly continual incontinence with the use of even the smallest amount of xanax, another med to add to the very long list that I cannot use for any kind of pain relief whatsoever.  One of these days they’ll simply just have to bleed me with leeches.

What are you doing besides this survey?
Ignoring NCIS across the room, except when Abbey comes on.  I love her look.

abbey

Do you know anyone who is pregnant?
There were a couple of dogs hanging out on the road earlier today, and it’s a sure bet the purebred Huskey’s owner is going to be a little surprised to see some funky Australian shepherd mix in the puppies.  There goes the neighborhood.

Does anyone hate you?
I’m a magnet.  They can’t help it.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
I use to wish a UFO would abduct me just so I could ask them a few questions, but now I realize I’ll already have all the answers in a future life when I time travel and buzz the earth in a UFO.

What are your plans for the weekend?
I should make some plans.  I am devoid of plans.  Weekends feel so empty now that Superbowl is over.

Are you a bad influence?
Scott says I’m making him fat on purpose, but when I come back the next day for a second piece of pie, it’s *gone*.  Fortunately, being a hyper skinny guy, I doubt I could ever send him soaring over 200 pounds.  I’ve tried ~not~ making pie, but then he’ll spend a ridiculous amount of money on candy.  I fail to see where any of this is my fault.

Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad?
My dad will be 80 in a few months.  The coolest conversations I’ve ever had with him started after I hit my 40′s.  Since all my grandparents died years ago and my mom is incommunicado in a nursing home (and still under 70), I feel like I’m talking to living history when I talk with Dad.  He’s a time traveler.

Do you miss anyone?
My back just reminded me that Scott hasn’t scratched it in several days.  See ya.

Last person to make you smile?
Cartman.

What are you doing tomorrow?
At this point in time, tomorrow is completely up in the air.  I’ve been getting up so much from this survey that it’s taking a week to finish.  I have no idea how anyone can sit so long making these up.  I tried that once at one of those survey places and decided that survey makers have no real blood flow in their bodies because they never move.

Do you think/know anyone has feelings for you?
I can tell I’m getting on someone’s nerves right now, but since she’s been on my nerves for years, I really don’t care any more.

Do you have a lot on your mind at the moment?
I’m wishing an annoying yappy person would shut up so I could hear the tv.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone, what was it about?
I’m so annoyed about yapping now that I deem this question darned to heck.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
This survey is definitely ill-timed right now.  I’ve got to put it away again before I get cranky.

When is the next time you will hug someone?
I wake up to this???  Thank goodness I’m not Sheldon, but I definitely have a routine.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with a Z?
When I was in middle school I once counted up all the people I knew whose names started with A because I had this theory that anyone whose name starts with A automatically annoys me (get it? those both start with A), and it was going really well until I realized everyone in the alphabet in general annoyed me.  You’re asking the wrong person for test results.

Do you know anyone whose name ends in Z, though?
This is where we check the survey maker for a pulse.

Someone asks you on a date, where do you wanna go?
I go through this every single weekend with Scott when we go get groceries and go out to breakfast.  It’s the ‘Where do you wanna go- Where do *you* wanna go’ game.  He never fails to pick out places with really bad food, and none of the rest can bring out a decent egg, so sometimes I try to stall until it’s close enough to lunch for pasta or something.  I don’t see why I can’t get shrimp mezzaluna at 7 a.m.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
If I ‘have’ to, then I’m probably being tortured, as well.  Let’s see, how about a nice, long steel splinter embedded into the side of my face so I can pull it out and use it to pick a lock or something.

Are you mad about anything?
Not a thing.  I’m too lazy to have to pump up the ol’ blood pressure and adrenaline and sustain a peak level of fight or flight performance.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
Wow, this is the first time I have *ever* been asked this out of how many surveys.  Yes, I have.  Ask me about my brilliant leap over a cactus and the tuck and roll landing when one of them tried to buck me off, and then I ran around the cactus and caught the bridle before she realized I was the one still in control.  What a surprised look on HER face, heh heh.

Are you scared of sharks?
They break your legs when you don’t pay up, but since I never beg anyone for a loan, no, I have no fear.

You get arrested, what for?
I’ve often pictured this scenario since I have an ex-husband running stolen guns off the grid and have always assumed I would have to be the one to commit the murder first if we ever ran into each other again if I wanna live to a ripe old age, but I’m not crazy about the tazer part.  I’m pretty sure that would kill me.  Some cops in the area tazered a 19 year old boy to death last year because 1- he wouldn’t stand up when he was told, and 2- he wouldn’t respond to them yelling at him after he was tazered a few times.  Turned out he had two shattered legs from jumping off a bridge, and was already near death from laying there so long.  So if it’s tazer first and ask questions later, I’m dead.  So I figure even if I survive my ex-husband, I won’t survive the arrest, because I have a neurological disorder that I won’t be able to pleasantly explain in between voltages.

Who did you last hang out with?
I am brilliant, and I’ll tell you why.  A couple of months ago Folgers coffee was on this big secret sale at Walgreens (by secret, I mean that you *have* to point out the coupon in the ad or you don’t get the extra savings), plus there was this big register coupon thing popping out for every so much in purchases.  Between the cheap coffee and coming back with the coupon off and on all week, I managed to get 4 containers of FREE coffee, plus two so cheap that they’re practically free.  Got enough coffee to last for awhile.  Cool, huh?  I love those little games.  And I say this because I’m hanging out with a cup o’ Joe.

Last thing someone bought for you?
An MRI.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
Which one?

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
I’ve never been caught doing *anything*.  I failed to be stupid enough.

What woke you up this morning?
It feels like my brain sucks me back from the wild yonder and slams me back into bed and I wake up reeling like a bad hangover while my nervous system runs diagnostics.  This probably all happens in about one second, so it’s a little shocking, and then I have to drag outa bed and go get a pill down with my hot chocolate so I can simulate being human.  I’ve kinda been getting the feeling lately that I can really identify with reptiles when I’m in that state, and have been wondering if the big evolutionary push uses pain overload to create a survival type of personality in the subject to the point of not needing other emotional bonding or interaction, hence crocodiles and alligators have far outlasted dinosaurs and manage many years in a hole quite nicely.  So I wonder sometimes if reptiles feel all day like I do when I wake up in the morning.

What’s the last thing you laughed really hard over?
I rarely laugh really hard any more because it nearly kills me.  I go into asthma attacks.  The last time I couldn’t quit laughing I was with Scott a couple years ago in a Best Buy and cracked up about something and couldn’t stop, and when you go full blown asthma attack AND can’t quit laughing you start flopping like a fish and ricocheting off the merchandise, so Scott had to get me outa there and let me cough it off for about an hour.  I couldn’t even talk, and every time I tried, I got the giggling fits again.  Scott forbids me to laugh too hard now.

Did you have a good birthday this year?
Not yet.  Ask me in about 8 months.

Have you broken up with anyone in the past week?
I’ve done pretty good this week.  No broken relationships, no squashed bugs or cracked eggs, still going to the chiropractor.

Do you think relationships are even worth it?
By the time you get to your late 40′s you realize the insurance is worth putting up with just about anything, and it’s really handy having someone around to open jars and help you down steps and care about whether you’re still breathing because you make really good pie.

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
We have a silent understanding that if worse comes to worse, thank goodness we’re still together because we can’t imagine anyone else having to help us with something really embarrassing.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
I think it would be funny to have one number tattooed onto my forehead and tell everyone that I was one of the first ten they nabbed for the mark of the beast.  There will be a lot of people out there with really long numbers on their heads because there are so many of us.  Yeah, yeah, I know about the bar codes and chips, I seriously doubt that’ll happen.

Did it rain today?
Chance of snow tomorrow.  I’m actually being pretty nice to this survey maker, have you noticed?  I try to be nice to those with no blood flow.

Would you rather be called hot, cute, or beautiful?
I’d rather not be spoken to.  I’ll take this opportunity to tell you about a blip I haven’t been able to get out of my head this week.  You know how Mick Jagger rhymes so many -tion words, right?  I think one of the reasons he hit the charts was because he actually uses real words in his songs.  Well, during the xanax fiasco (see 5th question near the top of the survey), it occurred to me that micturition would fit nicely into his repertoire, and that his name is already in it.  Mick-turition.  So if he ever writes a song about old age, there you go, the perfect word.

Do you have a little sister?
One of them let me know last fall that my birth order is no longer valid since we are all OLD now, so I have to shut up and stop being so bossy, in not so many words.  I was actually rather relieved.

Do you like Taylor Swift?
This is part of the no blood flow thing.

Tell me a fact about the last person that texted you:
From “Top One Hundred Jack Bauer Facts“–

“The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.”

When’s the last time you ate at Taco Bell?
If I say Tuesday I will only confuse you, because you won’t know which Tuesday.

Have you ever broken anything because you were mad?
I break many things because I’m klutzy.  It would be silly of me to break more trying to sustain a high energy fight or flight response.  Don’t really understand people like that.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?
Scott is across the room fiddling with the converter box.  Sometimes it’s best that we aren’t next to each other during these things.

What was the last thing you ate?
Kung Pao, but that was over 12 hours ago.  I have since had hot chocolate with my yummy french vanilla flavored whey protein powder mixed in.

Do you like the song Crush by David Archuleta?
Ah, poor thing, there goes that lack of blood flow again.  I weep for thee.  I own entire collections of Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi, you know, all those old guys.

Have you ever watched The OC?
I have never watched one episode.  Lately I’m into The Big Bang Theory, Lost, The Beast, Chuck, 24, and Legend of the Seeker.  I have a LOT of blood flow.

Have your parents ever hated your boyfriend/girlfriend?
I laugh at any guy gullible enough to fall for my stepdaughter.  I used to feel sorry for them and try to warn them, but over time I realized that’s just how they learn.

Do you and your best friend share clothes?
The clothing Scott and I wear share the same washer.  I don’t allow that to just anyone.

Is fall your favorite season?
Transition seasons are the best.

What should you be doing instead of this?
I’m whiling away the spare minutes between classified operations.